Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Everytime I come back to Winamac I experience the feelings I'm having now.
I hung out with my brother and his two friends, and they informed me just how back the ex was into drugs. I just can't believe that the guy I made out with in my front room and had sex with in the back of my car on deserted roads for a year does crack. I can't believe how bad he feels about his life and how little he feels about his future. I can't even picture him doing it...it makes me sick to my stomach. And, of course, I feel partly responsible because I hurt him so bad. Our relationship was too intense for a 15 year old. I know that now. Hell, it was too intense for me, and I was 17. I always say that I'd never want to go back and change anything about my past, because then I wouldn't be the person I am today. But if there was something I could have said or done or not done to make him better, I'd probably do it. Maybe if he talks to me...explains it to me...I don't know, I just hate to see him hurt. I can't stand it.
I hate coming home. This isn't my home anymore, and the longer I stay away, the weirder it feels to come back. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I don't belong with the people I graduated with - some of them I haven't seen since graduation night! My family is preoccupied, and I miss the hell out of Andrew. It's just so weird to come back here now, knowing that I've moved on but so many people haven't. There are people that graduated years before me that are still caught up in the Winamac High School drama, and I just can't take it or understand it. I'm lucky I got out. And someday I'll be lucky when I get out of Evansville. I'm glad I realized I deserved better than this town. If I had never left, I'd still be caught up with the ex. I'd still be working at that stupid gas station. And I would have never met any of the wonderful friends that I love (and miss) to death. I would have never met the love of my life! The love of my life who is picking out engagement rings! It's happening......woah.
I'm growing up. I've grown up more in the last year that I can possibly comprehend. I'm going to graduate college with a decent GPA. I'm going to get a better job. I'm going to lose weight. I think I said all this last year, the only difference is this year I'm actually going to stick with it. I'm not the psychotic, OCD obsessed person I was a year ago. Andrew had a lot to do with it. Yes, he's still a little boy at heart, but falling in love with someone to that extent is too intense to not change you. It's hard to fall asleep if I'm not beside him. Being home helps me to realize what I would have had if I didn't have him. True, there probably would have been more guys. More pointless guys. More guys that would lead me nowhere, that wouldn't help me grow or mature. There would be the guys that hold me back from my future, that attempt to take away my future or make it into something they wanted. I'm sick of that. Yes, I realize I've 20. I know that's young. I know I have a lot more to experience. A lot more growing up to do. A lot more life to live. But what's wrong with wanting to experience it and live it would my soul mate? I'm lucky. And there's nothing wrong with it.
If my mom can accept it......anybody can.
And I'm tired of getting the "you're just a little girl..." stares from my relatives. They still see me as the 12 year old playing mom to my baby cousin. I wish others could see how much I've grown.
Christmas sucked. It just didn't feel like it used to. It literally felt like my mom stopped at a gas station yesterday and picked out the majority of my presents. I got a lot of candles and a stupid T-Shirt. She said that's part of growing up....I said I could have appreciated a check for $25 more. Is that being immature? I don't think so. I spent time and money on everybody's presents. I hauled Andrew around an angry mall for 4 hours one day, and then 2 hours the next day shopping for presents that I knew they'd like. And I get a candle with an eagle on it. Oh, and poptarts from my grandma. Everybody's preoccupied with something else now-a-days, but people get upset when I get preoccupied with something else, like making a movie, or being in love. I feel like a stranger to my own family.
I don't know. Does this make sense? I don't mean to be a baby. Maybe I'm just tired. I always get this way after reading her posts...I'm not sure why.
|| The Laugh Whore blogged off at ||
1:52 AM
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