tittertat

2006-03-23T18:24:00.000-04:00

I'm shutting this sucker down. I never use it, and it's kind of a hassel.

2006-03-01T12:26:00.000-04:00

It's SO freaking nice outside! I can't believe it's the first of March and I'm walking around in a t-shirt and I'm hot! That's fantastic. I'll look forward to this weather now, because lord knows in a couple of months I'll be complaining it's too hot. That's life, right? Things here are a 'lil' bit crazy. I'm trying to find a house to move into, but they either don't allow pets, they're WAY to expensive, they're too close to the east side, or I'd be living next to a crack house. Pickings are slim, my friends....muy slim-o. I'm going to look at one on Saturday, hopefully this one will be a winner. Cross your fingers!

I'm finally going to be able to start at Easter Seals, because I finally found a doctor who would see me! Fantastic! I have to go in for a TB test today (booooo.....shots), and hopefully I'll be able to go into orientation on Friday or Saturday. SUPER!

I haven't seen James or Jon in a super-duper long time, and I haven't seen Aar-Bear is a more super de-duper long time. That makes me sad. He's first on my contacts list, you'd think I'd call the boy some more. *Hopefully* he'll come play with my Friday night. Please? Pretty Please?

I went home this weekend, and it was fun. I didn't see anyone, just hung out with my family, mostly my mom. My step-dad's parents came to visit on Sunday night, and I hadn't seen them since before Christmas, so that was fun. And I told them the big news, which wasn't so fun. Oh well, life goes on.

Nope Nope Nope, not a lot going on here. Just enjoying the weather!! I've got class in about 20 minutes, and I'm going to grab something to eat from the weird snack-bar thing on the first floor of the LA building. Byebye!

2006-02-25T00:32:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to sleep for about an hour and a half but I can't. I tried calling Andrew twice but he's not picking up either phone. I'm not really tired - just bored. My mom is making me purge my room so she can turn it into a guest bedroom, so I've had to go through all my old notebooks from high school, and that just brought up tons of unwanted memories.

My dad forgot my birthday. So did some other people. But Kristin didn't. Because Kristin rocks. And Kristin will get a fabulous birthday present from me, because I said so. Matt didn't forget, either. And I got a home-made card from Tab. B-e-a-utiful.

Andrew got me a cheesecake and an American Idol DVD for my birthday. We ate the whole cheesecake. Yep...we're damn good.

I'm tired and I want to sleep, but I've just got to hear his voice one more time before I go to sleep. It's addictive. I know it's gross. But it's still addictive.

2006-02-13T12:08:00.000-04:00

I hate looking on USI Facebook. I look at all my high school friend's photos and realize how little of a college experience I've actually had. I met and fell in love with the man that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with first semester freshman year. I never got to have the experience of going out on a really bad date (ok...so that's not so bad). I alienated all my friends when I moved out of the dorms and into my own apartment. I don't have pictures depicting tons of fun with "the girls," or random play after hours in my dorm room. I'm not involved in any clubs. I'm so busy that I only get to play with my remaining friends once a week. And things are only going to get worse from here.

I'm not complaining about the life I have now. I love Andrew and I love our new family and I wouldn't give that up for the world. I am, however, mourning of the loss of the life I never had because of choices I have made in the past. I hardly speak to any of my high school friends from Winamac anymore, the people I used to push into lockers, write notes to, spend the night at houses with, sneak out in the middle of the night with, and the people I used to base my day-to-day life on. I've been alienated from the Basement Folk because of a bad decision made almost a year ago. I just feel rejected, lonely, and just generally down in the dumps. Andrew works third shifts now and I hardly get to see him anymore. Sure, the money is really nice and he's enjoying it, but it's still real lonely. I don't like working at StarBucks as much as I hoped I would. Maybe I'm done with Evansville. Maybe now is a good time to move on somewhere new and start over again. Columbus is looking better and better everyday. Do I need to start over? Or is this my way of running away from anything that could possibly hurt me? I'm tired of alienating myself from my friends and my friends from myself.

Blach. That's all I have to say about that.

2006-02-07T16:06:00.000-04:00

Why are people so mean??

::Sigh:: Oh, life here in Evansville. It's a funny thing, full of quirkiness and oddness. Andrew got a new job. A good new job. But a good new job that has him working 6 pm to 6 am. It's good for him and good for his resume, but I still miss him. Last night was especially hard, and I'm not sure why. I guess it didn't help that I had cried all day and stupid TV shows. I'm such a sap.

I want to move to Columbus. Now. Looks like my plans with my sister have been put on hold indefenitly. That sucks. I love my friends here, but I miss her. We'll give it some more time here before making the big move. Who knows how long though...

I have three tests today. I should be studying for my spanish test, which I will momentarily. The class starts in 45 minutes. Tab and I sudo-studied for it last night before getting distracted by the documentary on Jodi Sweeten and how she was addicted to meth. Fun times.

Things have calmed down on my end. I'm just attempting to take things day by day and see what happens. I want to shout it to the world, but I'll hold it inside for just a little while longer. Then you'll hear me yelling. Oh yes, you will.

Study Break.
Ciao

Crazy Week

2006-01-27T13:41:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how much emotional trama a girl can go through in just one week. Not even a week, more like a day. My life has been turned upside down, shaken up, blended into a mocha frappachino, poored into a cold cup, and given to a pit bull who has then ate it all (including the cup), shit it out, and then I stepped on it. Amazing.

School sucks. I cannot convery this point enough. IT SUCKS. Spanish sucks. Juvenille Deliquency sucks. Criminal Justice doesn't suck so much. And Development of the Sociological Theory REALLY sucks. I suppose it's not good for me to sit in the back of the room of the DST class and just wonder what the hell the teacher is talking about. That's what I get for taking a 400 level class my first semester back into it all. I want to shot myself in the foot.

Friends are good. I don't get to see them as much as I did last semester, which sucks. We're just all so busy . . . . but I miss you guys. We should make plans more often than just Tuesdays.

Family is getting on my nerves. I've had it up to my neck with parental lectures, speeches, and 20 minute conversations. I want to crawl into the hole that is Evansville and just rot here for a little bit with no communications from the outside world.

Work is good. I love my jobs. And I'm also good at them, which is great. I kind of got thrown onto the drive thru bar today during rush and kicked ass, so all is good with that. Feelin' good there.

But everything else sucks.

Andrew and I are doing okay. We'll be doing okay. We are okay. Something . . . . . . we're just stressed is all. I love him, and he's fantastic. I wish other people could see that.

And with that, I'm going home.

2006-01-10T16:18:00.000-04:00

Happy New Year and Stuff. =)

Jenn - cool it a little with the tags on the bored, mmkay? Don't take anything I say too personal. It had nothing to do with you.

In other news, I quit my job at Thorton's (otherwise known as The Hell Hole) and picked up two new jobs elsewhere in town. I now work at the Rehab Center (notice I said I WORK there, not I GO there), and I work at StarBucks with my bestest bud James. Work at the Rehab Center will be really interesting. I'm hired in as a temporary worker, but that's just so it will never interfere with my school work. Plus, there's a potential for me getting two credits to go to my sociology major. So that's exciting. I was supposed to start work today at Starbucks, but thanks to a midnight trip to the emergency room, I was a little bushed. But the good news is Tiffany (my new boss) shows signs of compassion and told me to go home. That's completely different from Scott (my old boss) who would have told me to suck it up because he's not working for me. I start work at the Rehab on Thursday, at StarBucks on Friday, and my last day at Thornton's is on Wednesday! And Andrew's going through WorkOne to get hired on in a factory job until we save up enough money to send him to school. He doesn't really need a four year degree to write movies, but he needs a better GPA to be accepted into Film School when the time comes. We just can't afford to send both of us to school at the same time right now. So he's going through all these different places to get a better job, so wish him luck! Hopefully he'll be put somewhere within the next two weeks.

Other than that, things are good. I've been spending time with James, Tab, and Jon, as usual. It's our first official Tuesday Night nite of the semester!! How exciting. I'll update next week and let you know how I enjoy/dislike my classes.

Love 'n Hugs to all
Me

2005-12-27T01:52:00.000-04:00

Everytime I come back to Winamac I experience the feelings I'm having now.

I hung out with my brother and his two friends, and they informed me just how back the ex was into drugs. I just can't believe that the guy I made out with in my front room and had sex with in the back of my car on deserted roads for a year does crack. I can't believe how bad he feels about his life and how little he feels about his future. I can't even picture him doing it...it makes me sick to my stomach. And, of course, I feel partly responsible because I hurt him so bad. Our relationship was too intense for a 15 year old. I know that now. Hell, it was too intense for me, and I was 17. I always say that I'd never want to go back and change anything about my past, because then I wouldn't be the person I am today. But if there was something I could have said or done or not done to make him better, I'd probably do it. Maybe if he talks to me...explains it to me...I don't know, I just hate to see him hurt. I can't stand it.

I hate coming home. This isn't my home anymore, and the longer I stay away, the weirder it feels to come back. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I don't belong with the people I graduated with - some of them I haven't seen since graduation night! My family is preoccupied, and I miss the hell out of Andrew. It's just so weird to come back here now, knowing that I've moved on but so many people haven't. There are people that graduated years before me that are still caught up in the Winamac High School drama, and I just can't take it or understand it. I'm lucky I got out. And someday I'll be lucky when I get out of Evansville. I'm glad I realized I deserved better than this town. If I had never left, I'd still be caught up with the ex. I'd still be working at that stupid gas station. And I would have never met any of the wonderful friends that I love (and miss) to death. I would have never met the love of my life! The love of my life who is picking out engagement rings! It's happening......woah.

I'm growing up. I've grown up more in the last year that I can possibly comprehend. I'm going to graduate college with a decent GPA. I'm going to get a better job. I'm going to lose weight. I think I said all this last year, the only difference is this year I'm actually going to stick with it. I'm not the psychotic, OCD obsessed person I was a year ago. Andrew had a lot to do with it. Yes, he's still a little boy at heart, but falling in love with someone to that extent is too intense to not change you. It's hard to fall asleep if I'm not beside him. Being home helps me to realize what I would have had if I didn't have him. True, there probably would have been more guys. More pointless guys. More guys that would lead me nowhere, that wouldn't help me grow or mature. There would be the guys that hold me back from my future, that attempt to take away my future or make it into something they wanted. I'm sick of that. Yes, I realize I've 20. I know that's young. I know I have a lot more to experience. A lot more growing up to do. A lot more life to live. But what's wrong with wanting to experience it and live it would my soul mate? I'm lucky. And there's nothing wrong with it.

If my mom can accept it......anybody can.

And I'm tired of getting the "you're just a little girl..." stares from my relatives. They still see me as the 12 year old playing mom to my baby cousin. I wish others could see how much I've grown.

Christmas sucked. It just didn't feel like it used to. It literally felt like my mom stopped at a gas station yesterday and picked out the majority of my presents. I got a lot of candles and a stupid T-Shirt. She said that's part of growing up....I said I could have appreciated a check for $25 more. Is that being immature? I don't think so. I spent time and money on everybody's presents. I hauled Andrew around an angry mall for 4 hours one day, and then 2 hours the next day shopping for presents that I knew they'd like. And I get a candle with an eagle on it. Oh, and poptarts from my grandma. Everybody's preoccupied with something else now-a-days, but people get upset when I get preoccupied with something else, like making a movie, or being in love. I feel like a stranger to my own family.

I don't know. Does this make sense? I don't mean to be a baby. Maybe I'm just tired. I always get this way after reading her posts...I'm not sure why.

2005-12-23T13:22:00.000-04:00

Today Rocks!!

1.) I got an early christmas present from Andrew. It's an amazing amazing Canon camera that I love to peices. I've been going all over town and snapping pictures so I can take them home and show my family.

2.) I get to go home on Sunday! For 3.5 days!! That's awesome! I leave Christmas day after I get off work and I return Thursday to be at work by 2:30. I haven't seen some of my relatives since I graduated!

3.) Christmas with the Ohnings is on Saturday and should be tons 'o fun.

4.) I GOT MY FINANCIAL AID BACK! I got a C in Math and an A in Sociology! My mom SCREAMED when I called her. This is uber exciting. I'm so happy!!

5.) Andrew's sitting next to me, and that always makes for a great day.

6.) I'll have a pretty in the next couple of months. So exciting.

Just a quick update on the library's computer - we decided not to get internet access in our apartment. The decision was easier to make when we were at school more often than not. Oh well, the library is just a short walk away. I've got to go take my brother to the airport and my session is almost expired. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

2005-12-11T21:47:00.000-04:00

Hey! I'm back!

Finals week is upon us, and Katie is a little nervous. I need to get a radical grade on my math test for good measure, and if I get an A on my sociology final, I'll have an A in the class which will do wonders for my GPA. I can't wait for this semester to be over and for me to get on with my life with that wonderful thing called Financial Aid! Life will be easier when I'm no longer pay for school . . . . *sigh of relief*

I've been working pretty hard on the movie that Andrew, his friends and myself are creating. I'm in charge of basically almost everything it takes to get the film up and rolling - costumes, scouting out more film locations with Andrew, camera shots, getting the actors ready for acting (thank god for Leah - the girl already can act! Makes my job ea-si-er) and just generally getting the specifics down before we start shooting in *January*. The movie is going to be great. These people are SO much fun, and I can't wait for everything to come together awesomely. We showed the trailor at another student's film premier on campus last Thursday and the people there loved it, and that was just hastily put together! The real deal will be fabulous, and I expect all that can attend to attend. Or I'll shoot you in the foot.

Along with that, Andrew got some really fan-fucking-tastic news tonight. I'm not going to say much about it now because the specifics aren't panned out yet, but if this wonderfully wonderful thing happens, it will make him SO flippin' happy, and make things so much easier. Things are really working out for him, and that makes me so happy.

Yep, still together and growing strong. Things are great with us. I love him. (Eeeww)

Um Um Um

Still work at the same 'ole' job. Blah. I love Carrie though. =) And friends are good. I still have some of those same old feelings sometimes, but who doesn't. Love you guys. And Happy Birthday, James. Me attempting to feel you up was your birthday present. Hope you enjoyed it.

With that, I'm going to go get gas and wait patiently until my boy toy gets home from work.
Later Kiddos.

2005-10-28T10:11:00.000-04:00

Life is a little less than fantastic. I have some big things going on in my life, and when I discuss them with the people that matter most in this world, they provide less than helpful advice. Calling me stupid just doesn't help. I'm doing the best I can with what I have. Yes, I make stupid mistakes. But you've known my for a year now. IT HAPPENS. That's just who I am. And I had disapointing you. I hate it probably more than you understand. You're right up there with my mother. There's a reason I don't tell you things, I guess. But it also doesn't matter whether I tell you something or not, because it'll get back to you either way I guess. And I love my friends, I really do. With all my heart. And I don't know where I'd be without them. But sometimes I feel left out, or like I'm the one that everyone has to take care of, or the 4th wheel. Blah.

On a brighter note, my name goes off the lease today.

2005-10-20T23:14:00.000-04:00

1.) I got my hair cut this morning, and I love it. I'm so daring.

2.) I feel better now that I deleted that last post. I think I'm too nice. =)

3.) I'm fucking up my life. Really. I am. I'm in a good situation, and I'm just fucking it all up. But I'm having one hell of a good time doing it.

4.) I miss being in chamber choir. I wish my work schedual would allow it.

5.) I kick ass during my sociology class. I'm going to get an A on this test or die trying.

6.) He's really cute.........

7.) I love Jon. And Tab. And James. They rock my little world.

I'm going to go play with my hair now. Love to all.

P.S. I miss you, too, Mathew. You and Ryan and Dave and Amy should drive down to Evansville and say 'ello. You could all sleep on my floor. =) I wish I didn't hate Winamac so much, or else I would come back and visit more often.

2005-10-11T10:21:00.000-04:00

I'm such a slacker. I woke up extra early today to come into school because I need to finish writing an English paper (due last Tuesday). So, naturally, I sit down at a computer in the basement of the LA and check my e-mail, check myspace, check livejournal, check blogger . . . . basically anything other that actually typing my paper. I figure I'll update this thing so people won't get bored with me and then type my paper. I'll finish it. I promise.

Fall Festival has come and gone and that's taken a big load off my schedual. Work was crazy that week! I'm so glad it's over, but sad at the same time because there is no longer 4,000 people in my front yard. No more waking up to the sound of bands practicing or being kept up by the sound of leaf blowers. Well, maybe that part isn't so bad. I only attended the Fall Fest 2 times, once at night and once during the lunch rush. I indulged in cheesecake (fabulous) and other yum yums that I no longer permit myself to have. I have a year and 10 months to lose this weight and damn it, I'm gonna do it!

For those of you who don't know, two weekends ago I messed up my back something fierce and fell off the face of the planet for five days. Something about an SI nerve in my back . . . All I know is that I was doped up on pain killers and slept for about 20 hours out of the day. I missed three days of work and one day of school. I'm alright now, but unfortunetly this will be a recurring injury so I'll probably have to deal with it for the rest of my life. Oh joy.

I've been keeping myself pretty busy with school and work. And Andrew, of course. Yep, still together and going strong (if his mother would just but out of our relationship - nope, not going into this). I don't have much time for anything else. I study a lot and tutor with Josh, whom I am quickly becoming decent friends with. He has a motorcycle and has promised to take me on a joy ride one day. Jon, James, Tab, and I are still frequently together, atleast on Tuesdays and Thursdays. We have Tuesday Night night (which I have now missed twice - booo), and that's about my extent of "hanging out." I wish I had more of a life. Next semester will be easier! I'm going back to having a full load at school, which means I get my financial aid back, which means the government pays for my rent. Beautiful. It will be SO nice not to have to worry about money again. Unfortunetly, being back in school full time also means I'm going to have to cut down on my hours and work. And while I don't mind that AT ALL, my boss might have a problem with me being part-time and trying to fill those hours. When I asked him about this, he said to make out my school schedual and we'd discuss it. I'm going to shoot for going to school on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Andrew and I want to take a couple of classes together to save on book fares. He has to pay for his books, so it's easier on him if I buy the book and he just uses it. I'm a nice girlfriend like that.

Hmmm... Nothing else going on right now! I should probably get cracking on that paper (ugh). So I'm just going to end this.

Talk to you all later!

2005-09-27T17:45:00.000-04:00

It's odd to walk into a computer lab on campus and see someone you don't know looking at your blog. It makes you wonder if they know it's you that just walked into the lab. Anyway.

My eyes are shot. I really need glasses I believe. I go through this about every two years. I get glasses, wear them, stop wearing them, get glasses, and it just goes on and on and on, year after year. I really am going to go to the eye doctor and get glasses. This time, I'll wear them. Forever. ...Until I get tired of them.

Jon might have found a boyfriend. He's bringing him to Tuesday Night night. This should be interested. He's cute and nice, just what Jon needs.

Things with Andrew are still good. He left me a note on my door the other night. =) So sweet. I'm going to spend the afternoon with him tomorrow (minus a two hour study session with Josh). That will be nice. I have the next 3 days off from work, and that's just weird. What shall I do with myself? Oh, right - clean my apartment. Blah.

I've got a math class in 10 minutes, and I really don't want to go. But I already skipped my math class last Thursday to go eat dinner with Andrew's family and I can't do that again. I can only miss one more day of class before I'm withdrawn. My mother would not appreciate that. Speaking of my mom, she called me today and told me she was in Wyoming. ...Weird.

2005-09-25T22:57:00.000-04:00

Hey friendly blogger-readers.

This update comes from the basement of the Ohning household while I'm waiting for my laundry to be dry and for Andrew to get home from work. I've been studying for my sociology test (schedualed for this Thursday, everybody cross your fingers and leave me encouraging tags) for the majority of evening, and my brain kind of feels like it's turned to mush and could start leaking out my ears at any moment. This class KICKS MY ASS. Thank god for Josh, my friendly tutor is is encouraging me to keep my head above water and not drown in my own insanity. He's a good fellow, that Josh.

School is good, work is fine, friends are great. I spend most of my time with Tab, James, and Jon, wondering around campus and having good 'ole times. If I'm not actually on campus, I'm either at work or with Andrew. Or sleeping. Work at Thorton's is alright. One of our guys is leaving for a month to go over seas, and our manager doesn't want to hire somebody new, so all of us have to pick up his hours, which means I'll be working 50+ hours a week AND going to school. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. I'll survive.

I have no major happenings going on in my life right now. Things are pretty much on the timid side. No rants. No difficulties. Nothing spectacular to report on. Continue with sending me good wishes toward my sociology exam, and I'll catch ya next time.

And for anyone who wondered: I know have my cell phone back, same number as before.

Ciao!

2005-09-08T23:20:00.000-04:00

I think I'll update this now.

I quit my job at Shyler's and Best Buy. I think I said that in the last post. But now I work at Thorton's on St. Joe. Full Time. And that sucks. I never just have a day off to do whatever I want. I normally work from 2:00-10:00 on the days that I don't have school, but by the time I actually leave it's normally between 11:00 or 11:30. But I'm working 40+ hours a week and that's a good thing because I really do need the money. It'll be nice to get out of debt in a month or two.

[James just walked into the computer lab and didn't even see me.]

Andrew and I are surviving. We don't get to see each other very often. It'll work out in the end, but it's still difficult right now. But if some people can go a whole semester without looking at their significant other and still be okay, then I'm sure I'm just being over dramatic. It was just a huge difference going from summer where we saw each other constantly to seeing each other for 20 or 40 minutes a day. I didn't realize how hard it would be. But again, I'm just being overdramatic. He was supposed to move in with me in December, but with the promise of a new car, the move-in date has been pushed back significantly. He says it's the best thing for us, which makes me believe that it's not just a car that's holding him back. But it's his decision to stay there. So whatever.

Class are pretty cool. My sociology class kicks my ass. I'm drowning in a sea of articles and words that don't make since. My english class is rockin'. I'm the youngest one in there and I love my professor and he loves me. And my math class is stupid and I draw most of the time.

[Hi, Lane.]

I miss my old friends. I wish I had more time to do what I wanted to do. I think I'm going to talk to my boss about cutting back my hours and maybe hirering someone new. I really wish he would hire someone else. I can't even go home for Christmas or Thanksgiving, and I'm not sure if I can go to New York for Spring Break because he doesn't have the people to cover my hours. I would like to only work 4 days a week, 8 hour days, just so I could have atleast one day off where I can get my stuff done. Oh well, atleast it's money.

I also want an exotic pet. I'm thinking a lizard of some sort. That would be cool.

Ciao, kiddos.

[James just sat down at the computer desk infront of me and still didn't see me.]

2005-08-19T12:50:00.000-04:00

Hey All.

Still breathing and all that jazz.

I hate my job and I want a new one. Wish me luck as I continue on my job search.
I'm almost moved out of the old apartment and into The Barrow. Tomorrow is my deadline.
I'm happy. Life is fantastic. No . . . really. It is. I am.
Andrew and I are going to New York next year, and I want something pretty on my finger before I come back.
I took him home to meet the family - they loved him.
School starts soon!! YES!!

That's all.

2005-08-05T22:44:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still alive and that life is alright.
I quit Best Buy
I moved back to the west side of town
I live over a bakery which means yummy smells creep into my living room
I have no money
I'm looking for one or more jobs, preferably on the west side.
I will take anything
Let me know

I miss my friends.

2005-07-20T01:39:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if anybody still reads this. Everybody seemed to have abandoned blogger over summer.

I went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory tonight with the in-laws, and it was everything I expected it to be and more. Very creative Tim Burton. I give you 2 thumbs up and my hand in marriage to Johnny Depp (Or Donny Jepp, as he is sometimes called).
Big Big Big problems with the roomies. Cough*$$*Cough Atleast we're still friends. But can't we be the kind of friends who pay each other back for money that they have borrowed?! Hmm?! I want to move out . . . Damn 12 month lease!
Life is hard, but good. Working 15 hour days SUCKS and SUCKS some more. Give me an amen if ya hear me. Although with the money rising in my bank account, I'm not going to complain too much.

Speaking of which, work comes early tomorrow morning. Ugh.

But on the brightside, I'm going to HollidayWorld on Thursday, and I've made a new old friend.

2005-07-12T10:53:00.000-04:00

I hate my sleep schedual. I hate that I can't sleep past 10:00 or 10:30 on any given day, despite what time I went to sleep. I guess it will be kind of a good thing when school starts because I won't be bugged every morning by my alarm clock. But still, on a day that I don't have to be at work until 4:30, I do not want to randomly wake up at 10:00. Blah.

Misty got a job interview. Cross your fingers. She seems pretty excited about it, and I am, too, considering now we can pay electricity . . . and they can pay me back the money they owe me! I'm trying to stay away from Misty right now though, because it seems like everytime she opens her mouth and says something, I want to push her head in the toilet for whatever she said. I'm sorry your fiancee liked me more than he liked you . . . get over it.

I need to go to USI and Ivy Tech and sign up for my classes and the deferred payment plan thing. I think I'll do that on . . . Friday. Maybe. I need to do my taxes.

My blog is horrible. It looks ucky. If anyone wants to hack into my blog and make it look pretty, be my guest. I'm going to watch Cosby Show and lay on the couch. Maybe I'll fall back asleep.

2005-07-03T12:45:00.000-04:00

I've ventured into other blogger-type areas of the web. I feel like I've cheated on blogger, but ah well. LiveJournal and MySpace seem to get most of my attention now-a-days. Here are the major things going on in my life.

* I got a second job working at Shyler's BBQ. I work most days from 9:30-4:00 at Best Buy and 4:30-11:00 at Shyler's. It's hell. I hate working two jobs. It's hard. My feet hurt. I got doused in pig blood last night. The people I work with are fun and I work with a theatre major from UE. He's pretty cool. I'm pretty sure all the waiters (all 3 of them) are of the homosexual nature, therefore I fit right in with my mo buddies.

* Andrew and I are back together and calling the 4 months of our breakup just a rough patch. It was pretty amazing how well we picked things back up. Things are going awesome and I get to see him a lot more than what I used to be able to see him. His family is still great and I adore them. And I'm taking Andrew home with me in the last weekend in July for my brother's birthday part so he can meet the family.

* TJ, Misty, and I all live together in an apartment at Village Green. The apartment is nice. My room still looks like a storage unit but I have little time to actually do anything with it. Then again it appears that I have enough time to write this blog, so therefor I had enough time to probably unpack a box or two. Oh well, I have what I need. Things are shaky sometimes, but they always are when it comes to room mates.

* I went home for 2.5 weeks in May and remembered why I moved to Evansville in the first place. It was hard to admit that I am now actually a resident of Evansville and not just a college student attending school here, but I have come to terms with it. There are only a few people I wish to remain in contact with in Evansville. The rest can bite me.

* I'm losing weight. Woot

I do believe that's all. I have to get my laundry ready to take over to the Ohning's to wash. They're lovely people over there. And I have today off work, which is marvelous. My only day off both places.
And the room mates just took off walking to North Green River Road. I want to see TJ when he gets back from that little adventure. Poor boy will be dripping in sweat and barely able to stand. I want to take a picture.

2005-06-30T01:58:00.000-04:00

Why does he keep calling? You'd think after I didn't pick up the phone the last 4 times you called or return your calls, you'd take the hint.

TAKE THE HINT, JOHN.

2005-06-25T02:15:00.000-04:00

I'm alive, I promise.

I got a cat. Her name is Abby. And she and my rat get along just fine.
I haven't talked to John since the night after the night we went out. I'm done with that part of my life. I've got to let go of my past to get to my future, right?
I moved. I like it better here.
I got a job at Shyler's BBQ (thanks to Nathan who originally took me there, thus introducing me to the place.)
And Andrew and I are officially back together (as of a month ago on the 22nd) and calling the last four months a "rough patch" in our relationship. I'm happy, guys. Leave it be.

That's all. I'm tired and I have to work in 9 hours.
night loves

2005-06-11T18:14:00.000-04:00

I'm watching The Breakfast Club. I have a fascination with Molly Ringwald, and I'm not afraid to admit it.

Silent Reader, where was your advice yesterday? :)
I went out with John. I went out with him innocently, just wanting to catch up. We went to Logan's Road House. He told me I looked pretty, which I was, so that was okay. He asked me about any boyfriends or guys I've dated since we've broken up. He told me about the one girl he dated and why it didn't work out. Before I left his house in the mornings, I'd write him notes and put them in random places so when he got home and opened up his fridge, there would be a note on his gallon milk, or in his medicine cabinet, or under his pillow, of wherever else. He said the other day he found all the notes. He kept them, all of them. He said he thought to himself "Man, this girl must have really really liked me." And just the way he said it, he looked so sad. The only thing I said was "yes, I did really like you." Then I changed the subject. Then we drove around and ended up in Kentucky along the river. We parked at a boat dock and opened up all the windows and the sunroof in his truck and just sat there with our seats laid back. And he brought up our breakup again. He said he didn't really understand what his problems was then. He said he was stupid for not being able to get over the little things that happened. I didn't say anything. I kept my mouth shut, just nodded or shook my head when it was appropriate.

I would have married him. I would have had his children, given up the career I would have had, moved to Booneville and lived happily ever after. I probably would have ended up teaching at the high school while he worked the railroad, had the cute little pickett fence and the whole nine yards.

So the problem? He and I are possibly back together. I don't want to make the decision between him and John because either way I'll always wonder "What if?" What do I really want? Somebody tell me, because I sure as hell don't have a clue.

[My apartment looks empty, and that's sad. Good memories in this place...]

2005-06-10T04:06:00.000-04:00

John called.
"If you're not dating anyone, we should go out to dinner and catch up. I miss you."

2005-05-31T16:22:00.000-04:00

I did, in fact, disapear. I'm home in Winamac for a while, until the 7th or the 8th of June. I'm visiting with friends and family and having a good time. We just got back from St. Louis last night. We had been there since Friday. We went to a baseball game and the arch and walked around the town. We stayed in a pretty hotel. It was fun. I was academically dismissed from USI. So that's fun . . . I have to take a couple of classes to Ivy Tech over the summer, but first I have to figure out what classes I can trasnger credits to and the like. We'll see. And I'm also moving into my new apartment when i get back. I have to be moved out of my apartment by the 13th, which gives me 5 days to move everything. That'll be fun . . .

My life is finally in order.
I even have a slight idea what I really might be doing forever.
I gave myself a deadline, and even if I don't get excepted this time around, there's always next time.
Let's see if I can do it right this time around. Thank goodness for second chances.
We're back together.

2005-05-22T02:49:00.000-04:00

I watched Aaron wrestle today and had a really good time. I was the loud obnoxious fan and it was a blast. Then we went to El Rio and we all got sick. Yum. Aaron and I went to Steak 'n Shake, and then drove around randomly and ended up near the USI theatre on accident.
It's funny how I always end up at the theatre.
I feel bad when my friends are upset. I wish I could help them all.
I'm leaving on Monday afternoon. I miss Alex, and he's not even gone.
There are 4 people living in my apartment.

I want to die a little bit.

2005-05-17T02:22:00.000-04:00

It's time . . .

I applied. I don't really know what I was waiting on. I guess something to come along and stop me from going. I was just scared and nervous about actually leaving. So many people say they're going to go, but I feel like I need to go now. I belong there. It's calling my name. I dreamt about it last night, like I have every night for months. Being here is sucking my soul out, or atleast it feels like it. I keep searching for meaningless things that won't fill that void. It's strange how a city full of people can make you feel so lonely. So what makes me think it will be different there? It has to be different . . . It's been my life ambition for as long as I can remember and I won't be let down.

Delicious ambiguity.

2005-05-15T14:49:00.000-04:00

I'm blog template illiterate. Somebody help me make this look pretty.
I think I got a dog. I shall name is PacMan or Bertola or something equally clever.
Here's the fun part. You want to name my dog? Tag my msg. board with ideas.
It's a dachsund. And that's cute. He's a weiner dog!
I miss TJ.
I have three other journals. I'm turning into one of those people. It's hard to keep up with all three.

Ciao

2005-05-14T05:31:00.000-04:00

Ew. This kind of looks icky. I'll fix it tomorrow

2005-05-14T03:50:00.000-04:00

I just bought the Mario Cantone Laugh Whore poster on ebay.

Katie = Happy Lady.

Now if only I could find a signed Playbill that wasn't out the wazoo.

2005-05-11T04:38:00.000-04:00

I didn't wake up until 3:00 today. That was wonderful.

Then I went to work, and that was even more wonderful.

I dumped mustard all over my work shirt on the way to Best Buy today, so I had to buy a new shirt. But it's okay because my I only had 1 short sleeved shirt and since our air conditioning is broke, it really sucks. Alex was working, and that always makes things more fun. I showed him the bruises he gave me last night and he laughed. After we closed, a bunch of us were just sitting around the front of the building, waiting for Todd to come pull our drawers and we were throwing a small football around. Alex threw the ball toward Kyle and he missed it. It hit one of the awards that sit on a shelf at the front of the store and knocked it off and broke it. It was the funniest thing ever. David, the LP guy, stuck it in the LP office and said he'd take care of it later. It was so funny. Then Alex said he was hungry and that he'd wait for me outside until I got finished with closing duties. We ended up going to Buffalo Wild Wings with Kyle, a guy who works in home theatre. We played that trivia game they have and I won. (Woot woot) We kept trying to mess each other up. Then the three of us sat outside for about 3 hours just talking and being stupid. When we left, Alex and I raced each other down the Lloyd and since my car kicks major ass, I won.

I'm sorry I blabber. I know most of you don't give a flying fart about Alex or the other guy or whatever, but I figure if you keep coming back to read, then that's your deal. :)

I don't have to do anything tomorrow. Nothing. Not a thing. I'm putting my apartment together, cleaning my bathroom, and that's it. It's beautiful.

2005-05-10T05:36:00.000-04:00

My last post wasn't about Alex, but this post is.

I tried to put him out of my head. He's leaving in 19 days. That's not even 3 weeks. I've been counting down the days, but only in my head so I don't look like a total nerd. That's it. That's all. It won't work, because he's leaving in 19 days. And I'm struggling with that. In my head I can say "That's it. It won't work. Don't try." But my heart is literally screaming at me that I could be with this guy. I mean really be with this guy. I can't even think about giving any other guy a chance to actually have a relationship with me. The thought of anybody else scares me and I know in my head that it's not what I want. But when I look at Alex . . . I could be with him. And I want him to stay. I'm going to be 100% out of my head when he leaves. I don't know how I'm going to handle it when he actually leaves. The front part of my brain has me believing that he's not actually going. He's just testing it to see what everbody says. The rest of my brain knows better. I know I'm going to have to deal with this eventually, but it's just so much better not to think about it. The problem is, I think about it constantly. He came over tonight. Just out of the blue without a text message or without working together tonight, he called and asked if I wanted company. We watched TV, I made fun of his taste in music, we watched Wayne's World. We hurt each other repeatedly. It was the most fun I've had in a while. (Probably since the last time he came over).

I love the time I spend with him. I adore every minute of it. But then I get to thinking that if I spend this much time with him, how am I going to be when he's not there anymore? Spain is a long long way away. I'm probably never going to see him again after these 19 days. So why am I doing this to myself? I can't help it. I want to stop it. I'm falling for him, seriously 100% falling for him.

19 days.
19 days.
19 days.

2005-05-04T22:57:00.000-04:00

Something that made my face smile.

Cut from his online journal.

"I've recently been feeling alot better a lot of things due to someone special who miraculously came into my life, and just in time, too. And as much as it might get some people angry with me, she has really helped me with my soul. Its like I can feel again, and even though she's not ready to be with me (and I'm not going to pressure her to do so), I just enjoy every moment with her. It's like when she walks into the room it suddenly gets brighter, or when she gives me a hug, I feel a huge weight that's been lifted off my chest. Here I am, sitting at a friend's house and all I can seem to do is think of her smile and how much I miss her already, even though it's only been just a little while since I've seen her." . . .

Wow-sers.

[sigh]

2005-05-04T04:44:00.000-04:00

Math sucks.
Math sucks really really hard and really really loud.
I've been studying for this god forsaken test since 4:00, and I feel no more ready than if I would have never studied at all.
I need a C. I need a C.
And therefore, I will study until I am C worthy, even if I get no sleep.
That's dedication.

2005-05-03T03:01:00.000-04:00

How did everything go wrong so quickly? I want it to be yesterday again. He's leaving in 24 days. And everytime I think about it, I get a metophorical slap in the face.

My face hurts.

2005-05-01T18:27:00.000-04:00

Last night was fabulous. Simply fabulous. I mixed together my friends for the first time since I've been in Evansville. I've had a habit of keeping my friends seperated, and I don't know why. I think it's because differently parts of me come out when I'm around certain people. Alex came over after he got off work and hung out with myself and TJ, Aaron, Jay, and Francie. It was fun. And I was attacked repeatedly.

Speaking of Alex . . .

He's been coming over a lot lately. Just about every night for the past week. I love it. I adore him. He's fabulous and funny. When things kind of settled down with the "wow, Alex called and wants to hang out with me," thing, it all went great. Last night Alex, Jay and I watched Dogma. Jay fell asleep. Alex held my hand. Remember when we were in middle school and holding hands was such a big deal? That's the way I felt. I got butterflies and I'm pretty sure my hand was sweaty (yum). I don't know what it is about him. Everytime I see him I just smile. I feel like I'm in middle school again!! And he is going to come to my choir concert tonight if he gets off at 6:00 like he's supposed to. And that makes Katie happy. He and I attacked each other for about an hour last night and I have bruises all over my arms and thighs from his "snake bites." It's funny. And after telling him not to put his fingers in Nikki's cage, he, like every other person to enter my home and attempt to prove me wrong, put his fingers in the cage and got a nice bite on it. Moron. Everytime he comes here he gets hurt. The other night he put his elbow on the ridiculously hot lightbulb next to my couch and burnt his elbow. Things are going good, whatever "things" are. He's a good person, and I'm glad things are almost turning out the way I want them to be.

Now . . . the bad part. There's always got to be a bad part.

#1. He's moving. He's moving to Madrid, Spain at the end of May. MAY!! His dad lives there and he's going to live with him and go to school there. And I'm an ass. Because I want him to stay. Not just for me, but because of the life he has here. And because I'm here. It would be a lie not to say that. Even if things never progress past what we've got right now, it will kill me to see him leave. The reason things didn't happen between us sooner was because he was nervous about getting into a relationship this close to leaving. Looking at him talk about Spain, it looks like he doesn't really want to go. It's a long way to go without knowing anyone except your family. Then again, that part of me that sees him not wanting to go is a little bit biast.

#2. Do you remember the guy I posted about before? The one with the girlfriend and how I promised myself I was going to go down that road? Well, congratulate me because I didn't go down that road. However, he decided that he might want to, and broke up with his girlfriend. And while that would normally make me a happy lady, this whole Alex thing is working out now and I've wanted it for so long. I barely know this other guy, but what I do know of him is great. I don't want to put this guy on the back burner while I figure things out with Alex, but if it comes between this other guy and Alex, I'd pick Alex. I guess that's my answer, right?

Yea, it is.

It's Alex. It's been Alex.

I've wanted this for so long, and I'm finally getting what I wanted. I'm so happy I could cry.

And it's not because I need him to make me happy, because I don't. But it's the feelings I get when I'm with him . . . they're amazing. He's amazing. Abso-fucking-lutely.

2005-04-27T20:02:00.000-04:00

I will never admit that I, a woman with a thoughtful mind and a body full of independence, needs a man to make her happy. I will never admit that I, a woman who has prided herself on being stubborn and being okay alone, is incapable of find contemptment in herself.

I will never admit it, because it's not true.

I don't need him or him or him or him or any of the other "him's" I've blabbered about on here to make me happy. I am perfectly happy within myself, and while these mystery men in my life tend to lead me astray and make me feel things I'd rather not feel, I don't need any of them as anything more than friends, or men that never could give me what I needed. I do not need a boyfriend. I do not need a man. And I will never be the one left behind because I thought I did.

I will not be the girl stuck at home in the burbs
With the baby, the dog and a garden of herbs.
I will not be the girl in the sensible shoes
Pushing burgers and beernuts and missing the clues
I will not be the girl who gets asked how it feels
To be trotting along at the genious' heels
I will not be the girl who requires a man to get by.

I know I've posted that about a thousand times on this blog. I know that I've bored you all with my useless ramblings about my everyday life for 4 months now. My life is not hard. My life is not anything worth reading about. I don't struggle every day. I get out of bed every morning (sometimes afternoon), and I live. I live life to the fullest extent I know how, but it was a learned process. And I'm lucky. I am so lucky to be this confident in myself, to be this sure of myself, that I know I could live day in and day out truly by myself and be okay. I'm okay. I'm lonely, because this is the only life I've ever known. I'm lonely because I don't know how not to be lonely. I can be alone, if for no reason more than to prove to myself that I can.

I know nothing. Sitting on the floor in the basement of the UC, listening to people talk of philosophy and politics and things that affect the entire human population, I have learned that I know nothing. At one time, I prided myself on being intelligent. I've grown into my intelligence more and more in the past months. In turn, I've learned that I am smart, but I am not intelligent. Math and English and music theory and theatre technology have been poured into my brain since I can remember, but what has it gotten me? Where am I now compared to where I could be? I could be doing so much more than what I'm doing. I've set myself up for being mediocre, when I am far above that. I'm unique and special and interesting. And I have the capabilities of being so much more. When did people decide that this was okay? When did people decide that it was okay just to be "okay?" At the end of it all, when I've played the hand I was delt, I want people to look at me and say "Now there . . . there's an exceptional person." And not just because of the things I've said or the ideas I've come up with or my useless knowledge of things trivial, but because I've touched their lives and done the best I could at everything I could.

What's the purpose of living if you're not living?

2005-04-27T04:54:00.000-04:00

There's something wrong, but I don't know what it is.

There's something missing, but I don't know where to look for it.

I'm lonely, but surrounded by people.

When did these feelings start coming back?

I liked it better when I couldn't feel it.

2005-04-25T18:23:00.000-04:00

I want attempting to pull up the sleeve on my sweatshirt and, with it being a little too tight, I inadvertantly punched myself in the boob. And it hurt. And now I have a bruise.

I thought that was a nice opener to this particular blog entry.

So now that the play is over (and a wonderous play it was, congratulations to all involved), I have a little bit of free time on my hands. Last night, TJ and Aaron came over and we went to Walmart and I made puppy chow (which was delectable) and they downloaded a bunch of crap-ola on to my computer for the games that we play. I fell asleep and that was that.

He is a fascinating guy. He is wonderful to talk to, freaking brilliant, and just all around wonderful. He has showed interest in myself as well, but of course he has a girlfriend. Why? Why? Why? I've already been down this road. And it's not a good road to be down. There's pot holes and mean things lurking off to the sides and mailboxes with pipe bombs in them. I will not travel down this road again. I will not even give him an ultimatium for this. It's nothing. It's not going to be Me Vs. Her, because frankly, I can't deal with being picked second . . . again . . .

Plus, boys are stupid and Katie doesn't want one.

Oh wait . . . yes I do . . .

I've been getting those feelings again. I don't have one particular boy picked out, but I have a few that I might give it a shot with. I'm feeling lonely. Not really lonely, at least not yet. I've still got TJ and Aaron and Ben and him, but I know once Misty and TJ and I move in together in a month, things are going to start getting bad again. John called, and while I don't want to be with him, I miss that feeling. I miss the feeling I had of going on dates and having fun with one special guy, of getting a kiss goodnight and laying on the couch watching movies and making fun of each other. I miss that, but only a little. I'm not really lonely yet, but I'm getting there. And I've been having thoughts of exes and people that I've attempted to date in the past, and that's not a good thing. Those ships have sailed, every last one of them, but what if they're circling the habor instead of gone way out to see? What if they see the light from the lighthouse and decide to make another trip around. Does that make sense? That was a bad analogy. My friends have girlfriends/boyfriends or people that they're interested in. True, I have people that I'm interested in, but none that I would actually involve myself in a relationship with. I don't know what I want. I don't know who I want. I don't really want anyone, atleast not here, atleast not yet. I enjoy my life. I like the way things are. I like that I can hang out with my friends and have fun with them and flirt with them without wondering if my significant other is concerned or jealous. I don't like jealousy, even though I'm a slightly jealous person. I'm jealous to see him with her, when I know I'd treat him better. I'm jealous that he is asking other people out on dates, when I want it to be me. I don't like this person. I don't like the person that it typing this out, because it's not me.

And therefore, I set her on fire.

Okay, she's gone now.

My levels of weirdness have erupted into demensions of oddess I have never known before.

God. . . I'm so weird.

2005-04-25T03:25:00.000-04:00

Tell me something . . .

Do you enjoy being a liar, with your pants constantly on fire?

Why do people do that? Why do people lie? I know I've done my far share of fibbing, but why? What's the point? To spare somebody's feelings? To make something easier on yourself? And what's worse is that it doesn't make the situation any better. It's like this sore I have no the inside of my lip from biting it while enjoying a lovely ravioli dinner. I keep poking it with my tongue, but that only makes it worse! Everytime you lie, you have to cover it up again sometime. So, while poking at the sore with your tongue may make it feel alright for just a second, it ends up hurting like a bitch a few seconds later. It only fixes it temporarily, not even for a long period of time. It's a quick fix until the truth comes out, and then all hell breaks lose. So what's the point?

I'm tired of my pants being on fire. And I'm tired of other people's pants being on fire.

STOP LYING and just tell me the truth!!
And lying by omission is still lieing.

So, with that said, anybody have anything they want to say to me?

2005-04-21T20:08:00.000-04:00

And for your reading pleasure, I longer and more indepth update to keep you all updated on the exciting happenings of my life.

So I completely forgot to pay my rent last month, and now I have 7 days to pay it or they're going to throw me out. Part of me is screaming "JUST PAY IT!" and another part of me is saying "Wait, let's see if they really will kick me out." Don't worry your pretty little heads off, dolls. I'm paying it tonight . . . when night falls . . . and nobody can see me pay it.

So I've been on weight watchers for a week now, and I had expected to atleast lose a pound, but due to large amounts of pizza and chinese food over the weekend, I'm still at the same weight. So to kick it up a notch, I'm going to start doing aerobics at the school and Tae Bo at home. Tae Bo hurts, did you know that? I need to buy a knee brace for my left leg, because it hates doing Tae Bo. I'm going to get me some upper body strength so I can beat the crap-ola out of TJ. Anybody see the large bruise on my right arm? Yea, that's TJ. Assface.

I can't do the play tonight because I have to go to work, and that makes me sad. I would give my left testicle (if I had one) to not go to work tonight, or to Best Buy ever again to work. I'm quitting. I'm putting in my 2 weeks notice and I'm quitting. I hate it. Arg.

I'm watching Brown Sugar, which I had first thought was In Love and Basketball. It's not. And it sucks. But I can't turn it off.

I need to take a shower. I stink. You wanted to know that, right?

2005-04-21T14:47:00.000-04:00

Mathew is obviously an update blogger Nazi.

So this is me updating.

John called again last night.

[Random sequence of naughty words]

And Nick talked to me last night.

[Another random sequence of naughty words]

Let's see how much trouble I can get myself into this time around.

2005-04-19T04:23:00.000-04:00

Today was a good day. It was hot, and I wore a sweatshirt and I was hot, but it was a good day. I also came really close to getting stung by one of those monsters of a bee that fly around the beautiful flowers outside of the UC. It's a dangerous spot to be in, but it's still beautiful.

I figured out how to get what I want at Best Buy. I've been threatening to quit my job there forever, or atleast since I started in August. I've been working up at the front lanes for 8 months and I detest it. I hate every minute of it. And I've really wanted to move to the sales floor since I started. So tonight I finally went in and put in my 2 weeks notice. I talked to Todd about it and said that I just wasn't happy and that Best Buy wasn't using me to the best of my potential, and I was going to go somewhere that did. And then I lied and said that I had a different job and USI (which I probably will by the end of the week), and that they were offering me over 40 hours every week (which they will) and the money would be better (which it is), and he started e-mailing all the sales floor supervisors that had part time positions open. So all I have to do is REALLY quit and I get what I want. Ole.

My apartment was completely trashed. Mike and TJ basically moved in for a week, and while I was glad that they were here, neither one of them had any respect for my home. Mike at all my food, which means he's no longer invited back. Yes, he has bought me food a couple of times, but he drank a gallon and a half of milk, 2 boxes of cereal, a jar of peanut butter, 1 loaf of bread, and 3 boxes of macaroni and cheese. By himself. No joke.

TJ and I are going apartment searching tomorrow morning . . . early . . . I forgot 8:00 existed. Isn't it funny that in high school I woke up every morning at 6:00 and my mom would yell at me if I slept past 10:00 on the weekends. But now that I'm in college, I complain when I have to wake up at 12:00. I think that's funny. My My My how things have changed.

Why do people think it's okay to say whatever they want, whenever they want? A guy at work tonight told me I had a nice ass. What made him think it was okay to do that?!

I'm going to bed. Katie is a tired lady.

2005-04-17T01:30:00.000-04:00

Well hello there friendly blog readers.

Might I just say that the play tonight was AWESOME. The cast was great, the crew did wonderfully, and the audience responded the way every audience should. It was a spectacular show, and I'm proud to be a part of it.

I'm tired. I'm really exhausted. I've got a lot of stress in my life right now, but atleast I've got things to be stressful about, eh? I had to go to work incredibly early this morning and haven't really gotten a chance to just sit down, until now. I plan on heading to bed before too long.

I'm no weight watchers, but today doesn't count because the only thing I had in the house to eat was pizza rolls and they don't fill me up, so I was screwed out of my flex points. But I'm looking to lose 2 pounds a week until school starts again, putting me down 40 pounds and making Katie a happy girl. I'll be smokin', I tell you what. All the guys will come crawling . . .

Speaking of crawling, guess who gave Katie a ring-a-ling on Friday? Since I already posted it . . . it was John. Calling from Atlanta. [Lots of question marks]. Now before anybody gets themselves worked into a hissy fit, no worries on that front. No way no how am I getting back with him. I've worked long and hard to find out what I want, and Jonathon Miller is NOT it. So close your mouths and get the thoughts of murder out of your head.

That's really it. Not a lot is going on. The play is sucking up my evenings and work and school my days. I'm looking forward to some Sex and the City and Chinese food with my guy pal sometime soon. I miss him!!! :(

Talk at ya later, taters.

2005-04-15T03:43:00.000-04:00

John called

2005-04-14T04:58:00.000-04:00

Mathew and I rock our yellow and red socks off.

I love Kangasloths.

2005-04-13T19:08:00.000-04:00

So I'm sitting in the basement of the UC using Jason's computer which is a miracle all in it's own, that his computer is able to pick up a wireless connected in the middle of no-connection-at-all-to-anything land. It's a miracle.

The play is going pretty awesomely. And I haven't really been getting home that late at night. I actually got some of my homework done last night. However, I called Best Buy to find out if I could get the next week nights off, and they told me that if I took another week off work, I'd basically be fired. So now I have a problem. I could work on Thursday during the day if I skip Speech, which I don't really have a problem doing. I could work Monday night because I'm pretty sure we have a break in rehersal/production, and I can work Saturday morning. So that gives me Monday night, Thursday morning, and Saturday morning. Hopefully that's enough for them. Everyone cross your fingers.

Life is going alright. I'm having some small friend problems with some people that have gotten the wrong opinion about me and the reason I do some of the things I do. Yes, I do have feelings for TJ, but he's also my best friend. It seems that some of my guy friends are upset with me because they think the only reason I hang out in the basement or with them is just because TJ is there, which isn't true at all. And that sucks. So I'm trying to prove to them (basically Mike and Aaron) that that isn't the case.

Jason came over two nights ago and ended up sleeping on my couch. We ate taco bell and watched TV and he fell asleep on the little couch. He's a good guy. He just got out of a 3 year long relationship with a totally awful person, who I want to kick in the face everytime I see her. Grr to her. He then started seeing another girl, and after realizing that he wasn't ready for a relationship, broke up with her last night. He's funny and his life consists of looking for funny things on the internet. What is it with me and dorks?! :)

Let's see, let's see. Uuuuhhhh. . .

Sorry I've been "unavailable" to most of you for the past week or so. I tried to pick up as many hours last week at work as I could, and then I was doing the play for the weekend until now, and trying to get my grades up so I don't fail out of school. I promise once the play is over I'll be around more.

(Jason is singing Backstreet Boy songs . . . oh lord)

Um Um Um Um Um Um

I think that's all. I gotta go pick up a shirt from my brother's and head over to the theatre. Have a good night.

GOOD LUCK TO THE CAST AND CREW OF LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS!
THIS SHOW IS GONNA ROCK!

2005-04-11T02:34:00.000-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen . . . it's true you don't really know what you're missing until you get the chance to experience it again.

It has been a year since I've set foot in a theatre to participate in the show. Today, for the first time in that year, I returned home. I returned to the theatre, where I feel most comfortable, content, and happy. I spent a gruesome 13 hours at the theatre today, preparing for Little Shop of Horrors (opening Wednesday), and absolutely adored every moment I was there.

I love this show. I love this show because it's my first at USI, because it's unique and fun, and because I feel like I belong, even if it isn't on stage, but behind the stage, which I'm finding I might just like a little bit more.

I knew I missed it. I knew that there was something lacking in my life for the past year, and that it was my three plays a year for the past four years that I was lacking, but I didn't realize that it was such a big part of my life. I didn't realize that being involved with the theatre really meant that much to me. I knew I loved it, but I wasn't aware that I was this much in love with it. I wouldn't trade the 13 hours I spent at that theatre for just about anything.

So now, how do I convine my mother that participating in the theatre, whether on stage or off, is worthy of a career. I don't know what I want to do, but I know I belong in the theatre. I'm too much in love with it to give it up.

I bid you sweet dreams from a very tired lady, and a very happy lady.

2005-04-09T12:14:00.000-04:00

Your dating personality profile:

Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.
Funny - You laugh often. People never accuse you of lacking a sense of humor. You don't take yourself too seriously.
Sensual - You are not particularly shy when it comes to your sexuality. You know what you like and do not feel inhibited.

Your date match profile:

Funny - You consider a good sense of humor a major necessity in a date. If his jokes make you laugh, he has won your heart.
Adventurous - You are looking for someone who is willing to try new things and experience life to its fullest. You need a companion who encourages you to take risks and do exciting things.
Outgoing - Shy and timid people are not who you are after. You need someone with a vibrant personality to breathe life into a relationship.

Your Top Ten Traits

1. Liberal
2. Funny
3. Sensual
4. Wealthy/Ambitious
5. Outgoing
6. Adventurous
7. Big-Hearted
8. Athletic
9. Intellectual
10. Practical

Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Funny
2. Adventurous
3. Outgoing
4. Practical
5. Conservative
6. Intellectual
7. Big-Hearted
8. Athletic
9. Wealthy/Ambitious
10. Romantic

Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions

2005-04-07T22:27:00.000-04:00

So . . . I have a friend, and this friend happens to have very strong feelings for his/her best friend. His/her best friend knows, and it's okay. Things are okay. My friend's friend is struggling with some problems due to a relationship gone bad, and has a lot of unused affection that isn't being used up. My friend's friend has never shown any affection (other than the occasional hug) to my friend's best friend before. Then, about two days ago, to make my friend's friend feel a little bit better about her current situation, my friend told him/her that they had intense feelings for his/her best friend (my friend's best friend, not my friend's friend's best friend). Now, all of a sudden, my friend's friend is all over his/her best friend ALL THE TIME, hugging and sitting on his/her lap and being ridiculous and the like.

And my friend really hates it.

And everybody's at my friend's apartment, and he/she doesn't want them to be.

And my friend really hates that, too.

2005-04-06T19:17:00.000-04:00

Damn. I wasn't going to post anything today. I was just going to set you up with my little song lyrics and leave it at that, but upon reading other people's blog entries for the day, I feel a little rant coming on.

I miss my friends in Winamac (my hometown). I really do. For most of them, it's been since the summer since they've seen me. A few lucky people got to see me around September when I came home for a weekend and stopped by the choir room. When my older friends left for college and I was still in high school, I felt betrayed and left behind. I hardly talked to any of them, I lost touch with my best friend for about 2 years, and a part of me hated that and despised them for it. I understand, and you, my little ones, will understand, too. I didn't go out of state for college, but I sure as hell moved as far away from Winamac as possible and still stay in the state. And I do not regret that decision. Winamac is full of liars and fakes and people that are not going anywhere, and I cherish the fact that I got out, and I will NEVER go back. Of course there are the good people I left behind. But you, too, will find your way out. You will understand some day why I had to leave you behind, why I had to let it all go and start over. I had to start over, because my life meant nothing before this. And all of you know that. No, I didn't find some awesome love or an awesome talent that will take me far in life. It wasn't anything like that. What I found was a sense of pride for myself and for my life and everything that I never knew I could be. I found HAPPINESS, but I found it inside myself. I'm not saying that you have to go far away to discover who you are and how to be happy. I'm just saying that's what it took for me. I promise you, by the end of your freshman year of college, things will seem so much different. I came to a school where I knew no one, and I'm coming out of my second semester with an awesome group of friends, a job that I'm slowely learning to love again, and a much much better outlook on life than I had while I was still in Winamac. I was stuck in a town that I absolutely did not belong in. Winamac holds nothing for me any longer. I'm not saying my friends there are replaceable, you're not. I still miss you and love you greatly, don't think that's what this is about. All I'm trying to do is help you to understand why I had to leave. To my friends that are still in high school or that graduated with me: If you see me today, you will not recognize the person I am. My looks are still the same, but I have matured and changed, and most importantly . . . I AM HAPPY. To Mathew and Allison and Amy and Scott and Ryan and Cassie and Jennifer and Andrew and Jenny and the Wades and Garret and everybody else who was there for me throughout high school, thank you for making my last year in high school a very memorable one. I will never ever forget you, even if we do lose touch. I love you and I miss you.

*Tear* Boy oh boy, that was sentimental, eh? Now on to the happy.

I don't need any lifetime commitments, I don't need to get hitched tonight. I don't want to throw up your walls and defenses. I don't mean to put on any pressure, but I know what a thing is right, and I spend every day reconfiguring my senses.
When we get to my house, take a look at that town. Take a look at how far I've gone!
I will never go back, never look back anymore.
And it feels like my life led right to your side, and will keep me there from now on. . .

2005-04-06T19:00:00.000-04:00

People are talkin, talking 'bout people
I hear them whisper, you won't believe it
They think we're lovers kept under covers
I just ignore it, but they keep saying

We laugh just a little too loud
We stand just a little too close
We stare just a little too long

Maybe they're seeing, something we don't, darlin'
Let's give them something to talk about!
A little mystery to figure out.
Let's give them something to talk about!
How about love, love, love, love?

How about love?

I feel so foolish, I never noticed
You'd act so nervous, could you be falling for me?
It took a rumor to make me wonder
Now I'm convinced I'm going under
Thinking 'bout you every day
Dreaming 'bout you every night
Hoping that you feel the same way

Now that we know it, let's really show it, darlin'

Let's give them something to talk about
A little mystery to figure out.
Let's give them something to talk about
How about love, love, love, love?

How about love, love, love love!!

2005-04-06T01:07:00.000-04:00

Paige playing the piano + Burgdorf singing Unchained Melody = Katie swooning

2005-04-05T03:30:00.000-04:00

Well, Hello.

Last night was a blast. It was Aaron's birthday, and TJ, Mike, Mike, Jamie, Leah, and myself went to Aaron's house to celebrate with his family. They were a really nice group of people. In order to get there, we had to fill up two cars with 8 people. Not that hard, you say? Well, in the backseat of my car was a canvas and Aaron drove a 3 seater truck. So no, it wasn't that easy. We had fun doing it though. The drive to UE and then to Aaron's was full of excitment, with DM Mike yelling repeatedly out the window and the people in the truck infront of us actually hearing him, and really loud Greenday. When we got to UE to pick up Jamie, we had to wait a little bit, and we were kind of bored. So we put my car in neutral and they pushed it backwards in a parking lot full of cars. Then they hopped on the hood as it coasted, and I, of course, slammed on my breaks. TJ fell off the car and Mike just slammed really hard into my windshield. There's a handprint on it that I can't get off. It was fun. We got to Aaron's and just hung out outside, listening to music and enjoying the weather. We ate and watched the Family Guy, then listened to him play the guitar and we played pogs (I had never ever played that game before). Then we all came back here to watch Dogma. Devon came at about 11:15. I fell asleep, go figure, and they all left around 12:45, because Aaron had to be home by 1:00. It was fun. I have an awesome group of friends!

Tonight is Tuesday, which means I'll have the 15 people in my apartment that I normally do on Tuesday nights. I always enjoy this time, even though my apartment is in shambles after they leave. They're good about cleaning up most of the time, but I don't really mind. I also have to work tonight.

Speaking of word, Alex and I have been talking online a lot within the past couple of days. He said there's a lot of stuff about him that I don't know, and that I might not like him afterward. But it's like that with everybody, right? I don't know. This is getting to be more work than is neccessary. I'm not trying anymore, because the way this is going, I'm going to have another boyfriend in a few weeks and I don't want that. Being just friends is looking really good. More updates coming soon.

I forgot to post this: I met someone last week, someone wonderful and funny and really nice. It felt like a dream, and maybe it was, but I could relive that dream over and over again until I come back from it, feeling that I said everything that needed to be said and had done everything that needed to be done. There were so many things I wanted to say and do and feel, and the dream just ended too soon. Delicious ambiguity.

That's all. Not a lot to report on. Just working A LOT and hanging out with friends when I get the chance. Thanks for stopping by!

Ben: We'll get together this week, ok? I'm trying to figure out my schedual for work so I can work and extra day, and I'll know by Thursday. I'll call you!!

2005-04-03T22:28:00.000-04:00

Every Sunday I watch Extreme Makeover, Home Edition, and bawl my little brown eyes out. These people that are on this show are unbelievable. They've been faced with heartache, death, hurt, and all around a general sadness, and they're surviving. They're surviving through everything that happened. . . these women on this show that have survived the loss of their husbands and children and the life that they used to have are unbelievable women and I look up to them and envy them for their strength and aspirations to live their life as close to what it had been before tragedy struck. I watched one episode where there was a couple who were in their 70's and taking care of their grandchildren after their parents died in a car accident. That episode was unbelievable, too. This show just teaches me that whatever happens, I can get through it and become a better person because of it. As long as I keep reminding myself of this every single day, my life keeps getting better and better.

Speaking of having a good life, Katie is a happy girl. Life is going superb, my friends. I'm having a good time, especially now that the weather is beautiful. My grandparents came and visited me yesterday and today and it was fun to see them. Plus I got some neat-o presents from when the went to California. I'm having fun with my friends (when I have some time to see them), and I'm getting pretty decent hours and work and starting to enjoy it again.

And how's my love life? My love life is still on the rocks, and I prefer it that way. I reitterate the fact that I have no interest in having one boyfriend. Alex keeps looking better and better everyday, and his work personality is turning into his outside work personality. I shouldn't have based everything on that one time that we hung out, because he really is a good guy. He's fun to talk to. I get butterflies in my stomach when I see him again, and that's good. Other than that, there's the same guys in my life as there have been for quite some time now.

Yep, life is good and Katie can't complain. I'm thinking about making my first huge purchase in the form of a really awesome camera. I want a good one, and I get a pretty decent discount on stuff. I'm saving up money (mainly by not spending any) for this. I'm also getting my lovely shrink check, and that'll help. We'll see how it goes. Maybe I can get my dad to help me out a little bit.

Misty and TJ and I are all moving in together for the summer and the next school year. I found one apartment that was actually a two story and that would be cool, but I'm not sure if we can afford it. Things will be SO much cheaper now that this is happening. My TV and Internet and Phone will be cheaper, electricty, not to mention the rent . . . it's beautiful. I can't wait!

So yep, life is good. I'm living the single life and enjoying it very very much, work is good, school is decent but almost over, and all in all my disposition is a hell of a lot better than it was a few months ago. Horray for growing up and finding the good in everything!!

To those of you who are hurting, or sad, or upset for any reason: I'm really sorry things aren't going your way. I'm sorry that people hurt you and that you don't get what you deserve. Things will get better, just look for the rainbow. And I love you.

There's a place for us, somewhere a place for us. Peace and quiet and open air wait for us somewhere. There's a place for us, a time and place for us. Hold my hand and we're half way there. Hold my hand and I'll take you there . . . . Someday

2005-03-31T02:59:00.000-04:00

Good evening, ladies and gents.

Today was a b-e-a-utiful day, and Katie felt happy all day long. I even took a math test, did not so hot on it, and was still in a good mood.

TJ and I went around to random comic book stores looking for objects on my latest obsession, to be released at a later date via my blogstyle. We went to taco bell and I was going to buy shoes, but I decided to wait on my shrink check.

I decided to give Alex another shot. He IMed me and asked for another time to hang out, that he was nervous and apologized for the way he acted before. I'm going to try to remember what he's like at work, and hopefully things will go back to that.

(TJ is singing the Reading Rainbow theme song)

I had a gazillion people over at my place last night, like I do every tuesday, and had a blast as normal. I love my friends.

I had a post about a dream I had a few nights ago. I'll repost it later when it actually works out.

That's all for now. Bye kids.

2005-03-28T10:20:00.000-04:00

It's 6 a.m. and Katie can't sleep nomore.

I woke up with the intention to pee and then head back to bed, but got an eery feeling that maybe I should check my e-mail. There was nothing really good there, except for my horoscope which said I needed a jump-start to the heart. Which got me thinking . . .

John broke up with me almost 2 months ago. I'm not in the mourning process anymore, nor have I been for quite some time now, and I have attempted on several occasions to move on to other people. I've moved on, but not to "other people." So, do I really need a jump-start to the heart? Maybe it's not the men I'm picking that are leading me to my coffee cravings and late-night book readings in my solitude. Perhaps it's me.

I can sit down at my computer desk and complain about all the men in the world that aren't right for me, when I don't even know what's right for me yet. Do I want that guy that I would completely give myself to if he would just only ask? Do I want the best friend who's just out of my reach, but is just enough in my reach to satisfy me now? Do I want the guy who I know would never hurt me, even if I shattered his heart? The answer . . . I don't know. I'm not saying my life is crawling with men, any of which I could pick up and have a serious relationship with. Don't mistake my thinking outloud for bragging or being smug. The reason I haven't found the right guy for me now is because there is no right guy for me now. I've purposfully made myself unavailable or atleast appear to be that way so I won't get myself tied into anything that I don't think I neccessarily want, atleast right now. And by making myself appear to be unavailable in the area of a relationship, it has led several people from my past and even some that are new to flock to my side, wishing just that - - a relationship. So why now? Am I maturing? Do people see that? Am I turning into more of a woman? And in doing that, is that what's drawing those people to me? Why, when I've shut myself off from relationships for real this time, do those people return? Why is being unavailable a turn on?

So no, my heart doesn't need a jump-start. I'm not dead, or depressed, or even a little bit sad. I'm doing just fine in the area of love, even if being just fine is shutting myself off to it. I was so obsessed with getting married that I forgot what it was like to be a young adult. Not to mention that at this point, marriage seems either very very far in the future, or a fantasy world that will never really exist. Am I okay with being alone for the rest of my life, not having a ring on my finger, and that warm lump beside my everynight? . . . Yes. And that's scary.

. . . And also a little exciting . . .

2005-03-27T18:30:00.000-04:00

I'm really beginning to think my body hates me.

Now that the flu has gone, I've been struck with a meanass sinus infection. The left side of my head is out of comission. My eye feels like it's going to fall out, my nose is plugged up, my ear hurts, and I'm tired of complaining.

Ben came over last night, and we went to Walmart and watched a Sex and the City volume that we had missed. Then he drugged me and I fell asleep. I went to bed right after he left just recently woke up. Kirk stopped by this morning to play the easter bunny and show me digital pictures of his neice when she woke up to eggs surrounding their entire house. He loves that little girl to death. Last night when she went to bed, he put those little plastic eggs all over her house. It looked incredible. She had so much fun. Do I want that? Do I want to wakeup on Easter mornining to the joyful screams of my children, seeing that the easter bunny came?

I just got off the phone with my family. My mom cried because I wasn't there. My cousins were sad that I couldn't come home either, but that didn't stop them from hanging up on me. I miss my family. I can't wait for school to be over so I can go home for longer than 2 days.

I'm watching Fried Green Apples. No matter how many times I watch this movie, I still cry when she dies.

That's all. I have to go meet my brother for dinner and then I'm going to work to do some inventory stuff. Work? On Easter? It's money. Katie don't complain.

Happy Easter, everyone. Hope your chocolate cravings were fixed.

(Douglas died a year ago today . . . )

2005-03-25T17:53:00.000-04:00

Well, now that I've recovered from my near death experience, I can actually sit up to look at a computer screen without vomiting.

I almost died again. I got struck with the meanest flu ever to enter a human body. It tore me up from the inside out. I was feeling icky on Wednesday morning, but it was more like a constant pain in my stomach and a head cold than anything. I was feeling better by that night, good enough to annoy Ben and Jay and Hollywood for an hour. On Wednesday night, I was supposed to be drinking with some friends. We were attempting to find somebody to get it for us, and when all of TJ's resources availed him (is that the right word there?), I called Brian and he said he would. So I drove over to Brian's house on Springtown Road, where he showed me the gunshot wound in his computer from his father's gun that was originally aimed at his head. Poor kid. Brent was there, too. I had never met Brent but had heard stories of him and he urinated on my door a few times. (In case any of you ever come to my apartment, don't lean against the outside part of the door.) So we loaded into my car and went to the liquor store where I almost killed us due to Brian's bad direction giving. Then I took him home, and learned some horrible awful things about a horrible awful person I kind of sort of dated when I first got to Evansville. To that person, you know who you are: A big fuck you for messing up my life even more. Then I had to pretend to be Brent's girlfriend when an exgirlfriend called, and Brian and I talked a little about how crazy his dad his. I'm pretty sure he's going to end up sleeping on my couch a few times within the next few weeks. I'm taking him to get his drivers license on Tuesday, along with some other errands we have to do. Most people don't like Brian. I guess I can understand why, but I don't care. He's a good guy.

So anyway, I get home and am really super pissed off and upset due to the startling news and The Devil Incarnate, and so I sat on the sofa and simmered while TJ and Mike and Leah began their drinking binge. I had ONE SIP of some concoction (I totally messed up that word) then TJ had and felt uber sick to my stomach. I headed straight for the bathroom and stayed there for the next 24 hours. They all god hammered, which was fine. I had fun watching them be stupid. I'll save the drunk stories for people who actually know the people and want to hear about them. TJ was awesome. He didn't drink that much so he could take care of me. He held my hair while I vomitied, and slept on the floor next to my bed incase I got sick. He went to Walmart and got my flu medicine and sprite, both which ended up in the trashcan next to my bed (too much detail?). He got up the next morning and encouraged me to move, when the obvious solution for my sickness to me was sleeping all day (which I did). He left around 9:00 to take Mike and Leah back to school, and came back and took care of me some more. He's a good friend, an amazing friend at that. I love him and Mike to death. I woke up around 5:30 and had to go to work because I desperatly need the money. I vomited 4 times while at work. Yum. I feel better now.

TJ left this morning to go see his family for easter. He came and woke me up at 5:00 in the morning (when he had left 2 hours earlier to go pack) so we could hang out before he left. He promised me next weekend, because this is the 3rd weekend in a row that he's left me. Oh well, I get to play with my other friends. Tonight I think I'm going to hang out with Kirk after work, and Saturday is Ben and Katie's Sex and the City extravaganza, and I think my mom is coming on Sunday. And if not, then I'll probably hang out with my brother or Mike or something.

Today is my brother's birthday. I had expected to make him banana pudding, and I think I still will. I need to go to Walmart to reload on my sprite anyway.

That's all. I'm still alive and almost kickin' it. A little pissed off, and a little bit skinnier thanks to my sickness. I think I might actually be able to eat today!!

I'm sorry for canceling on you, Ben. I hate when I do that!!

I need to do laundry and make my brother's birthday yum yum.

2005-03-23T06:25:00.000-04:00

I just had 15 people in my apartment for 4 hours. I'm about sick of people right now.

I worked tonight, Alex was adorable as ever with his work personality shining through. I don't think I'm missing out on much when I stop talking to him once we reach the doors. He asked me tonight if I was mad at him. I said no and smiled sweetly. It's the story of my life.

I'm scared to try "us" out with him, mainly because I'm not sure how us would work out and what would happen if us were to be no more anymore. I want to, but I'm scared. I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to hurt him. Reassurance? A push in the right direction? Atleast he knows now. I don't want him to be a you, I want him to be a him. Life gets much more complicated with pronouns.

To HIM:
I'm sorry if I upset you. I'll make things better, I promise.

I'm going to bed to rest my weary eyes.

2005-03-22T03:07:00.000-04:00

I've been talking to my mom for the past hour and a half about what I want out of life. I've resently showed interest in owning a restaurant in New York City and cooking at said restaurant, as well as doing all the things that a person who owns a restaurant would do. TJ is getting his associates degree in business at USI and it's only going to take him 2 years. I told Mom I was looking into doing that, and then going to culinary arts school for a couple of years. And since my parents promised me atleast 4 years of college education, I'd have a full year of culinary arts school paid for. She asked me where I wanted to open my restaurant at. I, of course, said New York City. She asked how I was going to open up a restaurant in a state that I knew nobody in. I then replied that I would go to school in New York City. She said that was a good idea.

It was always destined that I would end up in New York City, even if it was just for a little while. From the first time I stepped foot in the city, I knew that's where I belonged.

Then we decided that's why I can't keep a relationship.

I'm not destined for a normal career. Whether it be theatre, photography, or owning a restaraunt, my life is not going to be normal. I'm not going to be home in the morning to take the kids to school. I'm not going to be there at night to cook dinner and help with homework and wash clothes and watch TV. I'm not going to be there every night to sleep next to that one I love. That's depressing. Allow me to clarify.

I want to do theatre. I want to be on stage. I want to know that people left from a show feeling better about their own life, or making them think about it in depth.
I want to do photography. I want to capture other people's joy in a stillshot that they can look at for the rest of their life.
I want to run a restaurant. I want to make life easier on people for a night, giving them something delicious and original to enjoy.

Where does that leave me in my search for love? I literally am ready to throw myself into whichever of those 3 careers I choose. I'm willing to make that my life. I'm okay with that. But what about what I've been saying the past 4 months on this stupid thing? I NEED love to make me happy? So am I destined for a life of . . . not what I expected? Going to this damn school opened my eyes to something I wasn't aware of. Now I know you can survive doing theatre. I know that I can do what I LOVE and still make money. I came here with the objective to find out what I wanted to do, to do it, and do it well. I never actually thought it would actually lead me to New York City and the life that waits for me there.

Does any of this make sense?

I'm scared that I'm going to be alone forever, while at the same time looking forward to a life lacking in drama and filled with a career I adore. I don't know. I don't want to be lonely. I can have as many friends as anybody else in this world, but without that one special thing, I don't know if I can really be happy. Of course, I could always find that one person out there who's okay with all of that. Maybe he's in the same career as I am, or something similar. But then, what are the odds that it will ever work?

UGH!

I don't know
I don't know
I don't know

But I'm sick of pushing good people away from me because I know in the end it won't work out.

I'm telling you it won't work out. I want to be with you. But I know in the end, I'm going to be getting on that plane to New York, and chances are, you won't be following me.

I'm sorry.

2005-03-22T00:52:00.000-04:00

Am I transparent?

I want to be mysterious. I want people to look at me and wonder "I wonder what she's really like?" I don't want to be fake, I just dont' want other people to have the ability to look right through me and know what I'm feeling.

I feel naked.

Mike and TJ are sitting on my living room floor, playing Yu-Gi-Oh and eating my food. I love those two.

One more than the other.

I burnt my finger making pizza bagel bites and it hurts to type. Ow.

S&C 3! I love him, too.

That's all. More later.

2005-03-21T15:22:00.000-04:00

So . . . .
It turns out Alex doesn't have much of a personality. He's kind of arrogant in a self-conscious way. His work personality and his outside work personality are not the same, my friend. I kind of wish I would have held my infatuation with him in, that way I could go on believing he was almost perfect. My relationship with Alex won't go outside those Best Buy doors. [sigh] Oh well. Na-na-na-na Life Goes On.

I like him. I like him a lot. And I'm pretty sure that he likes me back. But what if we try, fail, and end up ruining one of the greatest friendships I've ever had? He's always there for me when I need him, and I don't want that to go away. He's always listening to me complain about the other boys in my life . . . I don't know what to do. Keep on keepin' on.

TJ comes home today! I get my assface back!

My dress for Kristin's wedding is spactabulous. It's pretty and white and yellow.

I think there's a guy outside messing around with my porch. I'm in a robe. That could be awkward. There's lots of movement going on in the apartment above me, too. I wasn't aware anyone lived there.

Katie OUT!

2005-03-21T04:20:00.000-04:00

What is it with people?
Why are they so down?

Maybe it's because we only have 7 more weeks of school. Some people are looking at it like it can't end fast enough, and others (like me) never want it to end. My friends go byebye once summer comes around. All work and no play makes Katie happy during the next school year when she quits her shitty job at Best Buy.

I want people to be happy. I want those who are sad to feel loved and appreciated and happy. It's been beautiful outside the last couple of days. Even with the shit that I've been putting myself through with Alex, I look outside and feel just a little bit better.

I get to participate in an awesome show with an awesome group of people.

I work a lot next week, which means a lot of money, which means a new pair of shoes for momma.

And while a part of me is whining on the inside that Alex didn't call me tonight, the rest of me is excited that:

TJ is coming home tomorrow.
I get to close at work with Zac tomorrow night.
I get to be a bridesmaid for Kristin's wedding and be pretty for a day.
TJ is coming home tomorrow.
My mom is coming in 2 weeks.
The Oblongs (which is the worst show in history) is almost over.
My apartment is clean.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry you're mad. I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry things aren't going your way. Smile, things will always get better (unless you're a deaf mute on your death bed).

I love you.

2005-03-20T16:28:00.000-04:00

Come on internet, wake up.

So, last night (or this morning) around 1:45, I recieve a text message. The phone number it came from wasn't stored in my phone, and I had already been asleep for about 10 minutes, so I almost didn't read it. But I did, . . . and it was from Alex. It was about 10 lines long (I wonder how much $$ that will cost me). He locked his keys in his car along with his cell phone, where my number was stored. He had to drive to Princeton (where his parents live) to get the spare key to his car, and by the time he got back to his car and got in, it was late and he didn't figure I would still be up. He said he would understand if I was mad, but he was really looking forward to going out with me.

So the next point I need to bring it up is WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?! I was doing alright after my post last night. A little dissapointed in the male gender, but in general I wasn't letting it get to me. And that felt AWESOME. I know I can do it. Be it 2 months ago, I would have been devestated, mopeing around the apartment singing sad love songs (maybe not so dramatic . . . it was only a first date). But I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I can handle rejection so much better then before. Why was I worried about it? The feeling went away, but it still bothers me that I was so bothered by it for a few hours.

And I'm going to give him another chance. Because I have a good feeling about him.

I hope he works today.

2005-03-20T04:59:00.000-04:00

So . . . what do I do now?

It's not that he didn't call back. That's not why I'm upset. I'm upset because I was looking forward to him not being like the stereotypical guy. He's so nice. And Kirk's face lit up when I said that I liked Alex. He's nice, he's never in a bad mood, he's simple . . . I just wanted him to be different.

Maybe Alex is. Maybe his cell phone died. Maybe he couldn't go out. Maybe he was tired from working his two jobs.

But what I'm scared of is I'll shut him out. Or I'm scared that I'll let him string me along, like i let Nick do. There's two things that can happen tomorrow. He can come up to me and apologize for tonight, and ask me out for another night. I'll melt and say yes. Or, he won't say anything. We'll continue on like we had been. And I'll be sad. Or I could just brush him off, like I said I would do from now on. One chance. That's all you get. That's all I gave Kirk. That's all I gave Jeff. That's all I'm willing to give. You mess up your first chance and it's pretty much certain what's going to happen later. So why postpone the inevitable?

I don't want a boyfriend. But he was someone that could make me start to want one again.

I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of putting myself into these relationships that I know will hurt me in the end. I'm sick of the drama that comes with those relationships. And that's why the prospect of him was so great. He's almost guaranteed to be drama free. I'm not letting this get me down. Just tonight and maybe a little bit tomorrow. It's a new day when I wake up with prospects of great things on the horizon. I will not let a boy ruin my good mood.

I thought he was different, and maybe he is. But the question is, will I let him show me?

2005-03-20T02:53:00.000-04:00

Update #2

So . . . turns out Alex is potentially like every other guy I've come to know on the face of the planet. An hour later and he still hasn't called me back.

Katie not so happy
Katie not so happy
Katie not so happy

2005-03-19T19:40:00.000-04:00

Update:

Guess who's got a date with her favorite Best Buy Employee! Alex asked me out for this evening after he gets off work. *Raises hand in the air . . . like she just don't care . . .makes random sounds*

Katie happy
Katie happy
Katie happy

2005-03-19T04:15:00.000-04:00

Good morning.

It's a little after noon and I'm preparing myself to shower and run some errands for the day. Aaron's wrestling in a competition thing at 2:00 and I promised him I'd go to that. I need to go to Best Buy and get a kareoke CD for that stupid USIdol thing. I promised Leah that if she signed up for it, I would, too. Boo. And I also want to look into getting a remote control starter for my car.

I love Alex. Alex works with me and he's wonderful. He's one of those guys that smiles at me and I completely melt in my shoes. We prank called each other all night last night at work. Then, after he was done vacuuming his area, he brought it to me and said "Do you need this? I didn't want you to walk all the way over to appliances, so you can have it." - it's love . . . I know it is.

Tomorrow is going to be the best day of my life. Sure, I work for 7 hours, but it's also Inventory Day, which is beautiful. Let me give you a rundown of how the day will go. I'll get there at 1:00, work a couple of hours. At 6:30, we will make an announcement that final purchases need to be made and brought to the front lanes. At 6:45 our managers will sweep the floor, escorting customers to the front lanes. at 6:55, the doors to the front will be closed. At 7:00, we tell customers that they need to make their purchases and leave. For once, we will not stay open until 7:45 (when we close at 7:00) because stupid ass people can't read the fucking "open/close" times. Anyway, the more important part is the inventory counting. When we leave, the second shift of people come in. It's quiet. Nobody talks. And we count. We count everything in the store, from the candy at the front lanes to the stereo cables in audio. And then we see how many things in our store have either been shop lifted, broken, given away for customer satisfaction, etc. And then the beautiful part of happens. We get a check. We get an enormous check full of wonderfullness and goodness and shitloads of money. Last year, the check was $636.00. This year, it will be more. So much more. I love SHRINK. That's what it's called. Shrink. And it's wonderful. And I can't wait. I'm SO going shopping. Shoes Shoes Shoes!!!!!!!

That's all. I need to get ready and head out to best buy. Good luck, aar-bear. Don't get hurt!!

Ciao

2005-03-19T04:03:00.000-04:00

Well hello there.

I just got off work and I'm flippin' tired. I had a whole 4 hours of work this week, so I got my but moving and started looking for a job. Then I grab the dot com book for my schedual to find out when I could do my job interviews, and I have 30 HOURS OF WORK! What is that?! It's like they're teasing me. They give me a week full of work, so I think things are changing. And then they give me this shit of 4 hours. So I fill out all these job applications for freaking nothing. I talked to my senior tonight and me moving, and how my old supervisor told me I was going to be out of the front lanes by Feb. He said he's going to try. :Blink: :Blink: They've been saying that since FREAKING DECEMBER!!! Ah! Oh well.

So I'm sitting here, eating various fried foods (chicken nuggets and mozerella sticks), missing TJ and waiting for something to happen. Mike and Aaron were supposed to come over (even though I said it was ME time tonight), but I didn't call them when I got off work. I expect a phone call by 1:00.

I got my pay check . . . and it's $300. B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L. I screamed when I saw it. I'm in the money! Yu-gi-oh cards, here I come.

I'm watching Ron White. Funny Funny Funny Man. My favorite. The smoke alarm is not a timer! Har-de-har-har.

Random quotes:
Hunk-Hunk-boing, fo shizzle
You may now call me Rappin Robin Hood Culture Vulture
Qwerty is like sugar and I'm on a dvorak diet
Does you pad feel wet and sticky?
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Losa Loo means i love you
African Americans are from Africa, Caucasians are from Caucasia
It's (rolls dice) nice to meet you. I hope you have an (rolls dice) awful day.

::Bows:: and g'night

2005-03-18T15:05:00.000-04:00

Hello friendly blog readers.

It's around 11:00 in the morning and I'm talking to TJ and Misty about Vanilla Ice and Ashlee Simpson. They spent the night on my couch with the hope of pancakes in the morning. Unfortunetly, the pancakes are going to fail because I have to meet with a professor today (Heather to be exact). Misty's going home to Missouri today and TJ's coming back tomorrow. I have to work tonight ( a whole 4 hours) and then I'm SLEEPING and doing LAUNDRY. No Mike, no Aaron, no Jason, no ANYONE. Just ME.

I haven't had a single night all to myself in almost a month and a half. It just boggles my mind that I haven't been sitting around, all by myself at night for atleast 40 days, probably more. Wow.

Misty asked me to be her bridesmaid last night for her and TJ's wedding.

More importantly, my sister Kristin asked me to be a bridesmaid for her and Andrew's wedding. I'm SO excited!!! My big sister is getting married!! :) And I get to wear a pretty dress!!! I love you, sis.

So all in all, things are good, other than my uterus is killing me. Damn uterus. Am I spelling that right?

I'm going to miss Misty when she leaves. But I get my TJ back. Yea.

Last night, Misty, TJ, Jason, and Mike all came over and we watched AdultSwim. Jason's my eFavorite, and he's pretty and smart and wonderful and I love him. Everytime I have these people over to my apartment, one of us (or all of us) fall asleep. Last night it was Jason, Mike, and TJ. I, for once, actually staid awake. Impressive.

That's all. Nothing horrible or even remotely bad is going on right now, other than my uterus. TJ is going to make pancakes and I'm going to take a shower. (So the pancakes did happen - woot).

Have a good day and a great weekend everyone.

::Italian on a scooter::
Ciao!

2005-03-15T20:49:00.000-04:00

I'm dieing. This is it folks, the final frontier. My nose is runny, my throat is killing me, I have a headache, my stomach is about ready to jump out of my throat, and my eyes burn (I'm not sure that last one is actually a symptom, but it's still a physical problem). And to top it all off, there's a guy sitting in front of me, eating what I can only assume to be something disgusting like cow brain or the butt of a monkey, and in any case it smells like . . . it just smells awful. And there's a guy sitting behind me that continuously obsenities at his computer. What a joyous day it is.

I'd rather not host the gathering that is about to take place at my humble abode, but I don't have a choice on Tuesday nights. Sure, I can kick them out and say that I need Katie Time, but Katie Time turns into TJ Time which turns into Mike Time which turns into Aaron time, which means that whether or not I want everybody there, I do want those three there and I don't get a choice on Tuesdays. That made absolutely no sense, but I'll fix it later.

Seriously . . . it smells awful. How can he eat it?

I skipped choir today because I'm dieing. Oh well. Sorry.

That's all. Not a lot left to say. My life has been uneventful, just hanging out with my guys (and one of their girls) and being random. I had a list of quotes from the past two nights, but I lost it. Poo. It would have been funny.

Ok, that's all.
Release date for RENT is Nov. 11th, 2005. And the countdown begins...

2005-03-10T03:15:00.000-04:00

Sorry it's been so long since I've actually posted something of importance. Not that anything I post is something of importance, but that's not the point. I'm the one that updated every day, and now my title is gone. Oh well, life moves on.

I've spent most of my days with TJ being random and fun. He's pretty much become my best friend, considering he and several other members of that group of friends have moved themselves into my apartment. As long as they don't use my toothbrush I'm okay with it. But TJ left for Missouri today and the rest of that group of friends all went home for spring break, and Ben's buy and Nate's busy, so I'm just floating through the rest of spring break, sleeping as much as I can, cleaning up the mess other people leave around my apartment, and . . . sleeping.

I went over to Andrew's tonight for a little bit. We watched Clerk and I played with his sister. Fun.

That's about it. See? You haven't missed out on much.

Later kiddos.

2005-03-06T15:00:00.000-04:00

So, my life is pretty fan-fucking-tastic. I'm serious!! I have a great disposition on life with a great group of people to share my disposition with! I've got 3 amazingly awesome best friends, about two handfulls of great friends, and countless good friends that I have the time of my life with. This past week and a half has been a blast. I'm not worried about boys! I'm not worried about school! I'm not worried about family! I'm not worried about being an adult! I'm just HAVING FUN. Katie World is wonderful, and you're all invited! I'm back to living in my fantasy world (Katie World) where everything is great and the sun shines all the time. You're all invited, come play with me! TJ asked me last night if I was ever not happy. I just gawked at him. Me? Happy? Happy enough that the person who I've spent the most time with in the past 2 weeks doesn't remember a time when I wasn't happy? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY!! Life is great and I've got no complaints. Even the shitty stuff just bounces off me and I find a way to transform it into something awesome. Nothing can get me down, suckers!

On a side note: I've got 3 Josh Groban tickets for this Wednesday and no one to go with. Anyone like Josh Groban and have an extra $73? *smile*

2005-03-06T00:42:00.000-04:00

Holy Hell and a Half! Has it actually been that long since I've updated?! Geeze - just goes to show you what getting *f* out of your apartment will do to ya! I'm watching Mallrats w/ TJ (Yes...a Kevin Smith movie, I'm sure you're all elated) so you'll have to wait that extra day or so until I take the time to sit my arse down and update.

I'm a horribly horrible awfully awful disgustingly bad friend to Ben. I'm sorry, pookie. I'll make it up to you, cross my heart.

I got a 29 out of 30 on Oedipus paper. Hell yea.

I just wanted all of you to know I was still alive and kicking, and enjoying the hell out of this week class-free. Yea Spring Break!

Okay, talk at ya later tatters.

2005-03-02T06:10:00.000-04:00

I am seriously becoming sleep deprived. I haven't accomplished more than 5 hours of sleep per night for the last week. Tonight I went to work from 6:00-10:00 and came home to an apartment full of people from the basement. I agreed to let them all play Vampire the Masquerade at my place since I'm the only one that lives off campus and my place is bigger than Mike's. I had a blast. I absolutely adore these people. Especially TJ, Aaron, and Mike. Mike asked if he could move in with me. I said yes, thinking he was joking. As the night progressed, I learned he might actually be serious. He said he'll sleep on my couch. I would have a problem with that! TJ and I became fast friends. We can make fun of each other and act stupid around each other and have a blast. We're a lot alike and I can't believe I didn't see it earlier. He's going to Missouri for spring break and I'm going to miss him. That's how you know you've really made a good friend - when you know they're going to be gone for a while and you can already feel yourself missing them.

Hung out with Ben last night and had one hell of a good time. Nothing like an evening filled with Sex and the City AND Chinese food. Is there anything better than that? I think not! We're slowely winding our way down through the seasons of Sex and the City. Once we're done with the last season, we're switching to Dead Like Me, a sitcom recommended by our very own Burgdorf. I'm falling in love with that show (Sex and the City). It's absolutely wonderful. Carrie's relationship with Mr. Big represents SO many things in my life. I think everygirl can relate to that show, and even boys can, too. The only thing I hate is the opening credits!!!! Arg! haha Ben.

Well, I was going to go to sleep, but TJ just got here again after taking some people home, so we're going to watch some TV and fall asleep on the couch.

To everyone going to SETC: Have a blast! I'm jealous as hell that you're going!!! Be careful and learn lots and don't take this opportunity for granted.

Well that's all. I must get back to paying attention to my friend before he falls asleep on me. Later taters.

2005-02-28T21:39:00.000-04:00

Good afternoon. It's about 5:30ish and I'm waiting on Ben to get off work so we can continue on with our wonderful Sex and the City binge. Tonight I really am rearranging my apartment, because I'm having a small gathering of basement folk over tonight so we can play Vampire. I've turned into one of those people that I kind of made fun of in a loving manner in high school. They're good people and good friends and I enjoy my time spent in the basement of the UC. I wanted to get my computer desk tonight but I'm not sure I'll be able to fit it in my car. I was going to look when I went to work yesterday, but I didn't feel well so I left early. I'm almost sure I can fit it in my trunk, but I'm not sure. I WANT IT! I'm sick of this itty desk and I need to get it back to Andrew.

Umm, let's see, what else . . . Nothing much has been really going on. I was hoping I'd make it to either Ohio or Purdue for some spring break fun, but it looks like neither one is going to work out. I was really looking forward to going to Ohio, but my mom's a bust, so that sucks. I just got off the phone with her and she's driving me up the wall. I haven't talked to her in 2 days and she wonders why. Maybe it's because everytime I call her, she bitches at me for one reason or another. She says I shouldn't request days off for spring break just incase they work me. If they don't work my during the week now, then they're not going to work me during the week then. They have 2 people that are budgeted to make full time and they're sure as hell not going to work them less because my availability just opened up. She bitched at me because I don't have a second job and because she's making my car payments for me. Wait a minute . . . I'm paying for my car with the money I put in my savings account for working all summer. That can't be right. Oh! It's because I'M PAYING FOR MY CAR, BITCH! I thought that once I moved away and started paying for my own life that she would be drastically less . . . mom-ish. You don't know my mom, don't say that all moms are like this, because she's crazy. Seriously the only thing she's paying for is my college education. My rent is being paid for by MY scholarships and financial aid. I'M paying my car payments. I'M paying my electric bill. I'M paying for my groceries. I'M paying for my TV, computer and phone. Back off a little woman. Let me do what I want to do.

Speaking of which, I got a disconnection notice on my electric today. I never even got my first bill and that's not cool. I also got charged extra and I'm really not paying that. They better take it off.

I'm mad and in the mood to clean so I'm going to wrap this up. [random sequence of bad words directed at my mother]

2005-02-27T08:17:00.000-04:00

So, life is still good. Atleast I think life is good. I'm sitting here, at 4:00 in the morning, watching Full House. I just took TJ home. I hung out at his place a little bit tonight, and then we came back here and watched a movie and a half, got bored with the half of the movie, and went out into the hall. No joke, there is a guy passed out in the hallway with shaven eyebrows and the phrase "I love dick" written in permanent marker on his forhead. I love it here.

I can't concentrate on writing this blog, I'm not sure why. I feel weird. I don't know why. I feel like I'm floating, slightly above everybody else's heads, mostly just looking down on what's happening around me and not really taking part in anything. I'm having fun, don't get me wrong. I've had a blast with Ben and TJ these past few days, but I feel like something else it going on. I don't know what . . . I think I've said that. Maybe I'm supposed to be a floater right now. Floating isn't so bad. I know that I hate being alone right now. It's not that I need to hang out with people all the time, but it's just nice. I'm working on this whole friends thing, you know, actually being one? Yea... I like my group of friends in the basement. They're fun folk. And I found a great friend in TJ (although I am the "other woman"), and Aaron, too. And then there's my old friends - Ben, Nate, Jenn, Jess, Bri, and they're all great. But my new goal for the next semester is make more friends.

I have no rants, I have no major problems, and life is going as good as can be expected. I'm just trying to put my finger on that one thing that seems to be missing. Maybe it's just the afteraffects of not having a steady relationship for the first time in 5 years. I'll get used to it. I'm almost completely sure of it. I have to get up for work in 6 hours. Ack.

I don't know what to do. I guess I'll keep floating until I find something that anchors me down. Here's to gravity. I love you guys

2005-02-26T21:48:00.000-04:00

Happy Happy.

How is it possible to change everything you ever wanted out of life in just a few days? Is that logical? Or maybe I just never really wanted it to begin with. I've watched my views on things and my plans for the future change in the course of about a week. I'm thinking like a teenager - a responsible teenager, but I'm no longer a 35 year old trapped in the body of a 19 year old. My new goal in life, as it should have been from the start, is to have fun! I don't want to sit and ponder when I'm going to find the man I'm going to marry, when I'm going to have my first child, what I'm going to do with my life, because frankly, I was a moron for doing it in the first place. I'm 19 years old. I don't want to get married. I don't want to have kids. I want to live by myself in my lovely little apartment, hang out with friends, date different guys, and not worry about anything but being me. I'm not looking for a boyfriend. The time limit that I had of 3 months is gone. I'm not giving myself a time limit. It's just plain and simple: I don't want a boyfriend. This is the first time I've been really single since I was 14. 14!!! What is that?! That's RIDICULOUS, that's what it is. No wonder I have dependency issues.

Last night, I went to the mall with TJ. We went to all the stores that had posters in them and I picked out three that were especially pretty - Evanescence, HIM, and GreenDay (my 3 favorite-most bands in the whole world). And he talked me into getting a shirt that says "Spooning leads to Forking." It's cute and fuzzy. I shall wear it on Monday. We want back to his place and I messed with his computer and we watched TV. It was fun. Seriously, I forgot what it was like to hang out with a guy without thinking "I like him . . . I like him . . . Be my boyfriend . . ." It was a nice change. I just talked to him for about an hour on the phone. Seriously, it's NICE to have a guy friend that you don't have feelings for, atleast at one time. Hello? Change? YES!

Boo to Ben for having to work tonight. I don't want to go to the play by myself! Although I'll probably have a better chance of actually getting in if I go by myself. I have to write that paper tomorrow - ack.

I'm hungry. I bought a taco last night at Taco Bell and didn't eat it, and it's 'a-callin' my name. I need to take a shower, too. I have to look pretty for the theatre.

The same annoying lady that's in the Dominoes Commerical is now in the Geico Commerical. She doesn't seem to talk, she just stares and makes stupid facial expressions. I can do that. Put me on TV, too.

Anyway, good luck to the Antigone cast tonight and tomorrow. I'm sure it'll be a great show. I only hope I can get in. [crosses fingers].

Talk at ya later

2005-02-25T15:28:00.000-04:00

Five hours of sleep = not so hot.

Yesterday was alright. I took my speech final and feel I did pretty kick-ass at it. I'm expecting atleast a B. I spent quality time in the basement of the UC, as I always do - I really love those guys. The girls . . . not so much, but isn't that the way my life works right now? I staid there until around 7:30-ish, then came home. Ben got here around 9:30 and we watched the first season of Sex and the City and had a grand 'ole time. He's a good friend . . .

I got $75 for my birthday. What to do what to do?! OH! I KNOW! I'm going to put it in my checking account so I'm not overdrawn anymore. Sounds like a good plan to me.

When I moved out of the dorms, the fuckers at residence life (minus Jay) charged me that bogus $500, which I had to pay out of my own money. Instead of doing that, my mom just decided she would pay for it and I'd have to pay an extra month's worth of rent. I think I'm going to write myself a check for the $469 I paid in rent from the checking account that my financial aid check is in and pay her back slowely, because I really need the money. Once I pay my Sigecom and my electric bill, I'm pretty much back to where I started. We'll see how that goes.

Talked to the Asshead last night (John). He called, out of nowhere, and said he just wanted to talk. He apologized for not taking me out on my birthday, yadda yadda yadda. I had nothing to do tonight (Friday), and he was implying it anyway with his choice of conversation, but I asked him to take me out for my birthday to this restaurant he wanted to take me to. Meanwhile, Ben showed up and let's say John wasn't too thrilled. FUCK HIM! You're not allowed to be mad, jealous, upset, hurt, or . . . jealous because YOU'RE NOT MY BOYFRIEND! Anyway, he got really quiet and decided that it "wasn't a good idea for us to go out," because I'm not ready to see him yet. Somebody please pull this guys head out of his ass, he needs to come up for some air. Then he asked "What do you want from me?" . . . eh? Didn't we already decide that we wanted to be friends? I don't need a father figure. I don't need somebody calling to check up on me, thank you very much. But I'd like to be his friend, although the chances of that ever happening are slim to none now, because he's annoying the hell out of me. Asshead.

My mother was sent into fits of hysteria because she didn't hear from me for a whole 24 hours. She even called John to see if I was with him. Blach. Since I was in the basement for the majority of the day, the signal on my cell wouldn't work. Somebody explain to me how long my mother's craziness is going to last!

On a side note: That was fun . . . Was it a good idea? . . . What will happen next?

My birthday was all - in - all okay. Kind of depressing around 8:30, but my cheese fries made it all go away. He's a good friend.

Umm Umm Umm . . . Going to see Antigone on Saturday. SOMEBODY PLEASE GO WITH ME!

Umm Umm Umm . . . I think that's it. Talk at ya later, taters.

2005-02-24T07:30:00.000-04:00

My Birthday Madness has now officially come to a halt.
Happy Birthday to me yesterday.

The events of the day were as follows:

7:30 - Phone Call from mom, singing me happy birthday.
7:45 - Phone Call from John, telling me happy birthday and claiming he thought I'd like to wake up and celebrate my birthday early. ::insert several negative comments about the asshead::
9:00 - Phone Call from dad, telling me happy birthday and that he was in town and to meet him for dinner with my brother.
10:00 - Alarm goes off, I push snooze.
10:30 - Another phone call from mom, to wish me happy birthday again.
10:35 - Phone Call from step-dad, wishing me happy birthday.
11:00 - Phone Call from aunt and uncle in California to lecture me on the greater goods of getting a degree, and to wish me a happy birthday.
12:00 - Math Midterm. At this point, birthday = not so happy.
12:20 - Phone Call from Mark, best friend of the past, to wish me a happy birthday.
1:00 - People in the basement buy me appropriate birthday food from Burger King.
3:00 - Skipped choir because it's my birthday and I said I could.
6:00 - Get home, find message on my answering machine of Ben singing me happy birthday. Made me smile!
6:45 - Picked up Jacob from work and met my dad for dinner (got $75 from him)
8:00 - Dropped Jacob off, called John, was rejected, called Ben back.
9:00 - Felt as though my eyelids were made of brick, attempted to sleep, without any such luck.
12:00 - Went to Denny's and hung out with my man Burgy.
3:20 - Got home, message on answering machine from Brian, singing me happy birthday in his incredible off-key, horrid horrid drunken voice, but it still made me smile.
3:30 - Wrapped up this post and crashed into my beautiful, beautiful bed.

G'night.
Happy Birthday to me

2005-02-24T01:27:00.000-04:00

Well . . . Happy Birthday to me.

While randomly flipping through people's blogs, I've noticed other people's obsessions for horoscopes. Being the busy beaver that I am, I took a quick look see to see what all the fuss was about - I looked up my own horoscope.

wow...

"Yours was not a happy childhood and, while there is nothing you want more than a close love relationship, you may also fear it. You probably have an active sex life but may have some discomfort acknowledging feelings of love, dependence or vulnerability."
"Power struggles plague your relationships. Either you become the dominant partner out of a fear of being controlled or you become very passive, controlling indirectly through guilt or manipulation. Your father may have been emotionally abusive to you."
"You have a genial, pleasant quality which inspires confidence in others. It sometimes surprises you the way people trust you with their innermost thoughts. Moral integrity is important to you and, while you are not judgmental, you will not violate a principle."
"Your emotional needs were not met when you were growing up and there was nothing you could do about it. Even today, you tend not to express anger or pain or resentment except when you are in an infrequent rage. This is a problem in close relationships."
"Your self-esteem is based less upon what you are in your own or others' eyes than on what you do. You may become so compulsive about achievement that you cannot relax into a warm, enduring relationship until you have achieved some success in your career."
"Since you were a child you have felt you could not just be yourself and be loved. You had to earn your love in some way by being or doing something special. You are far more self-protective than most people realize. Your best love partners are also work partners."

Can I get a HELL YES?! I am now an official believe of horoscopes. A-thank you.

2005-02-23T21:56:00.000-04:00


Marriage is love.

2005-02-23T14:33:00.000-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME TODAY!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

2005-02-22T23:28:00.000-04:00

I think the drama in my life just got significantly less. Hallelujah!!
I like three people. I'm not going to date any of them for atleast 2 weeks. Promise.
Constantine and Bo make my blood boil in an awesome way. [Shiver]
American Idol has now completely taken over my life . . . again.
I'm going to perm my hair . . . I think.
Stalker Guy came into my apartment today, and I found out I can't really understand what he says when he talks.
I wanted to hang out with Ben tonight, but I have to study for this math test.
I miss Kristin. I want to move to Ohio . . . so very much.

Next year I'm going to tryout for American Idol, just because I want to. I swear I saw Lynn on one of the episodes - scary. I won't make it, this I know, but I want to hear Simon yell at me. I love the British.

Ooohh - there's Constantine. [Settles Self]

That's all. Nothing important to post today. I'm really truly 100% done with John in a romantic type of way. If anyone hears/reads/sees me missing him like that, literally smack me across the face. I don't want to, and I'm not going to. I'm over it and moving on to better this.

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday to me TOMORROW

Happy Birthday to me.

2005-02-22T01:54:00.000-04:00

First off, John Stamos is in a new series. I'm getting way too excited about this bit of news. John Stamos = hunk-a-hunk-a burnin' love.

Secondly, the new quote of my life thanks to Everwood - "I would rather spend the rest of my life cooking for one then spend another day with someone who can live without me."

Enough said.

2005-02-21T17:25:00.000-04:00

I want to crawl into my bed and wake up on Thursday. I'm SO tired, and I have no idea why. I've slept a decent amount of hours in the past few days, but I can't shake this feeling of being sleepy. Maybe it's because I took coffee out of my diet. Yes, that's right - I've significantly lessened my coffee intake since the weekend. It's bad for your kidneys to drink that much coffee - did you know that? I found out the hard way. Ow...

So, last night I did stupid again and spent the evening with John. Shut up - I don't wanna hear it. I hung out with Ben for a little bit last night, too. I'm so proud of Ben. Good job, Ben! And I didn't burn the pizza this time! Woohoo!

I miss Kristin.

I'm watching Mad TV, and even though it's stupid, it's better than the new episodes of SNL. I watched the first five years thing of SNL last night - laughed my arse off. Gilda - whatever happened to her? Anyway - new SNLs suck and I don't watch them, unless I like the host or the musical guest.

I still need to pay my electric bill. I wonder how many notices they send before they shut it off. Is this bad for my credit? I have three pay checks, I'll deposit them after choir.

Speaking of choir - I hate it.

I need to grab some shtruff to eat, then head to theatre. I skipped it on Friday. Thupid Thupid Thupid.

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me on Wednesday
Happy Birthday to me

2005-02-20T15:24:00.000-04:00

Greenday tickets for May went on sale yesterday. I wanted to go so bad, but I'm seriously lacking the funding. . . really really horribly lacking the funding. I didn't remember what it was like to have no money. I mean, I might have complained in the past that I didn't have money, but now I REALLY don't have any money (i.e. I overdrew on my account and my parents paid it back, so now I'm in debt to them). It was only a $40.00 check that bounced, but with charges from the store and from the bank, I was in a world of hurt. I got my pay check, and it was $45.00 for two weeks. [Blink] Still looking for that second job! And I'm seriously considering applying at Hollywood. I still have to turn my resume into O'Charlie's. The tips would be nice!

I cried at work yesterday. I walk in the doors, clock in, get my drawer set it, and Lucas (my supervisor) comes over and whispers in my ear, "The love of your life was fired yesterday." Now, by the "love of my life," he means my soul mate - Matt. Matt and I started on the same day, went to training together, and have worked together ever since. I fell in love with him sometime around October. He has a girlfriend (who's a bitch) but that doesn't matter. So he came into work yesterday and I gasped when I saw him. He came over and gave me a hug, and I told him I was going to have to hang myself from the Media Rafters. He hated working at Best Buy, as most of us do. But we tolerate it. Yesterday we played golf on the front lanes. That was fun, because Todd thinks he's good at everything, but he really sucks. And Lucas, my supervisor, got a job at a different Best Buy store in Ohio, so we're having a going-away party for him. I'm sure I will be a mess.

I need to pay my electric bill and my phone bill. Lucky for me I've got 3 checks to cash! So when I say I'm out of money, what I really mean is I'm out of money in my checking account, but I have $300 buried in a coffee can in the backyard.

Shit - I have to be at work at noon and I haven't showered yet. If I'm late to work again, I'm fired. Why am I still typing?

2005-02-19T19:55:00.000-04:00

So, my pet peeve of the evening is. . . [drum roll] : Why do people ask me how much things cost at Best Buy when I'm not at the store?! Today, I walked into my apartment complex and the stalker guy was bringing in his too-adorable-for-him dog, and asked me how much ink cartridges cost. . . . [blink] . . . Just let me pull our store's catolog out of my ass and tell you, Mr. Stalker Guy. But I'm nice, and I was nice to him and I told him I wasn't sure, but I was going into work tomorrow and I'd look for him. Then I mentioned something about my employee discount, which was just ridiculous, so now I'm buying it for him and using my discount. . . but it's ok, because I hardly ever use my discount. This whole "hey, since you work at best buy, and it's obvious that we're not standing in the store and you're not getting paid for this little conversation we're having, could you tell me how much a 215 mg thumb drive would cost? Does that include the mail in rebate?" this is kind of old. "I am a vault of knowledge about Best Buy" must be tattooed across my ass or something. Just another reason why people annoy me.

So. . . last night I went to my brother's church and had a pretty good time. I played cards with some girls and they were pretty neat-o. One of them had a baby and he loved me, so it looks like I'll be getting some babysitting jobs out of that experience. The boy I'm betrothed to, my brother's ex room mate when he still went to OCU, seems to have a crush on me. That's cute. So I got home around midnight, and just about immediatly went to bed. I hadn't been laying down for more than 15 minutes when John called. We talked until 2:00. I don't want to loose his friendship, but I'm killing myself from the inside out here. Tell me that this doesn't sound like he wants me back! We talked for 2 HOURS! I'm just...ahh....I need a break! That's all for now.

Sorry about last night, Ben - I wish I would have known you got off work early! Grr!

Later Kiddos

2005-02-18T04:30:00.000-04:00

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong
I'd go hungry, I'd go blind for you
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rollin' sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love

I'm feeling blue. Perhaps it's because of all the sappy country music songs I've been illegally downloading. I hope the authorities don't get hold of that tid bit of information.

Official Announcement, straight from my fingertips to your eyes: I'm transferring to Purdue next semester, if everything goes to plan. I made an executive decision that I need to get out of this town before it swallows me whole. All I've come across is hurt, or so it seems. I'm probably being dramatic, but that's me for ya. My findings of the night: I want him to love me. I don't care what I've said in the past, it doesn't matter right now. I find I'm the most honest at 12:30 at night, and tonight's honesty is the same as any other - I love him, and I want him to love me back. But it appears he doesn't, or he doesn't want to. That's a problem. Leaving the city seems to be a good answer to that problem. I'm tired of hurting. It's just that simple. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. Everybody hurts, I know this. I'm just tired of it being inflicted on me. I want a break. I want a break for longer than a month or two months. I could have been happy. I let that slip through my fingertips. I wish I could go back and redo a thousand things, and as long as I'm here, I will always remember how much of a screwup I am, and those wishes I have will never go away. I need to go someplace where I can learn to love myself, surrounded by people who love me. This isn't home, and I was stupid for trying to make it be my home. I desperatly want to fast forward my life. I believe I've voiced this wish before, but I can't tell you how much I want that wish to come true. These aren't the best years of my life.

I want to talk to him...I'm missing him so badly...
I'm sorry that you read this, because I know you're tired of my complaining. It'll be over soon, let's all hope.

[Kristin and I are going to open up a photography studio in Ohio. I love my sister.]

2005-02-17T22:47:00.000-04:00

I drink a little too much coffee. This last pot I made was a little bit icky, but I still drank it. Why waste coffee? Pointless...

I made a good dinner tonight - rice and chicken. It was really really good. I actually made it last night, and I reheated it today. I'm a good cook, indeed. I'm waiting for my shows to come on, about a half hour. My mom got a letter saying that I've missed a bunch of classes, which is false, so now I have to get my teachers to send her an e-mail saying that I attend class and I've got all my assignments done, which I think is BULL SHIT because I'm 18, and if I want to miss school and flunk out, that's my business. But for me to be getting A's and B's like I am, if I want to miss a class or two, I think that's my perrogative. I don't have to go to my math class everyday, because my math class is EASY. I'm getting good grades in all my classes, except for my psychology class which I'm withdrawing from anyway. So...no, mother, I will not have my professors e-mail you, because I'm a big girl. Boo-ya.

Ok, so there's a creepy guy that lives in my apartment building that I think it stalking me. He lives across the hall, or atleast he's over there a lot. When he hears my door open, he comes out. Now, granted, this might just be a coincidence, but I think not. Restraining order, here I come.

I stopped biting all my fingernails except 4. It's a learning process.

STILL COUCHLESS. Let's try for tomorrow evening.

Ok, that's all for now.

Dan drives me crazy. I want to take that stupid ass drum and smash it over his head, then shove that stick up his...nevermind...

2005-02-17T15:35:00.000-04:00

I hate it. I really do not like it here. Everyone talks behind everyone's backs, they're spineless, fake, rude, arrogant, and I don't want to be like that! Have you ever walked into a room, and people immediatly stop talking? You know they're talking about you or one of your friends or something like that. STOP IT! Tell me I suck! I CAN DEAL WITH IT! Jesus Christ! And everytime I see her, I think of ways to kill her. No, not because of the things you think I think. Nothing like that. Just because of HER and everything she is, does, says, looks at, thinks...just everything. I'll be nice, because that's what my mom tells me to do. I'll respect her, all of them, for the nice things they do and the people they are, but I will not like them, just because someone says I have to. We're not a family, get over it. I just want to belong! Is is my fault that I don't? Probably...but they could have made the effort, too. Fuck it! I'm done with it all.

I want to go. There's nothing holding me here and everything pushing me to go there. I'm going, I'm going to do this.

I want to go to Mexico and open a Tortilla and Condom One Stop Shop. But if I can't go to Mexico, I atleast want to go somewhere where I can have talks like that, about killing people and making lists, and cherry vanilla diet caffiene-free whatever with chocolate sprinkles, and not that fake plastic shit. I want my friends, my mom, my grandma Lewis... Fuck it! I'm GOING! I'm OUTTA HERE!! Here's to a 6 month lease...

3 months and counting...

2005-02-16T21:19:00.000-04:00

My body hates me, and it's kicking my ass. I just wasn't feeling right, so I took a trip to my friendly Evansville doctor, Dr. Mchutlskjflskf something, and found out the following things were wrong with me. Ready?

-I have a urinary tract infection.
-I have a bladder infection.
-I have some small kidney stones.
-My allergies are setting off my asthma, causing me to break out into asthma attacks just about every 10 minutes, causing me to overdose on my albueterol, which is counteracting with all the caffiene that's in my system, giving me the shakes all the time.
-I am having bladder spasms.
-I have a cough, which also reacts to my asthma.
-I have a runny nose.
-I have a little touch of the pink eye.
-I have an upper respitory infection.
-I have a sinus infection.
-I have an ear infection in my left ear.
-I bruised a rib blast night, wrestling with my brother, which again makes the cough and the asthma just that much more worse.
-Because of my cough and my asthma, I'm having constant heart pain.
-I have cramps.
-I am having an allergic reaction on my arm from where they drew blood this afternoon.
-And I have a hang nail.

Yes folks, today is just a gravy day. Everything's going my way! That rhymed. Ha. And, to top it all off, I'm STILL couchless, because John's stuck at work...but by the way it sounded to me on the phone, he was stuck at a gas station. But you know, whatever. I was going to see Antigone tonight, but I believe my fits of whooping cough might disturb the audience and the cast. So good luck anyway, folks. I'll catch it later on in the week. I'm going to go crawl onto my couch, watch the remaining episodes of Arrested Development and wait for American Idol to come on.

Oh, I'm dropping my psych class and petitioning to get into a PE class. Wish my luck with that. Anyway, see ya.

2005-02-15T22:30:00.000-04:00

John called be at noon to make sure I was up, which I wasn't. Then he called 3 times after that to make sure I was still awake. Why?

Last night was full of confusion. I don't think I went into detail. I waited around until 8:00 for James and Tab to get here. They used my apartment to have dinner so they could cook. They both looked so cute! Then I headed over to John's, where I found out he had planned on taking me out to dinner, but since I got there so late, we just had pizza. We didn't talk. He said he had some things to talk about, but we didn't. I staid there, for no reason other than it was really too late for me to drive home. Nothing happened, but I thought it was weird that he asked me to spend the night. He asked weird questions, like about the guy in my speech class who asked me out, friends that he thought I liked, stuff like that. I wasn't quite sure what he was getting at, but he kissed me before he left for work this morning. I hate guys that do that. I think what he's doing is restarting the relationship over again, from dating to whatever. I don't think I can handle that. I can't handle not knowing! He was supposed to come help my get my couch tonight, but they close at 6:00 and he's not off work yet.

I cleaned out Nikki's cage and played with her a little bit. It's going to be a nightly thing from now on. I'm going to make my rat love me again.

Good luck to the Antigone cast. Kick some ass.

My brother and I ordered a pizza. Yum.

New development: He got off work 2 hours ago, just didn't call me like he said he was going to, so now I'm still couchless. He wants me to pay for it tomorrow morning, and he'll bring it to me tomorrow night. Purpose? Ass.

What happened to my fearless Knight? I don't want someone to resuce me, I just want a good guy to love me and let me love him back.

"Jamie is over and Jamie is gone

Jamie's decided it's time to move on

Jamie has new dreams he's building upon

And I'm still hurting

Jamie arrived at the end of the line

Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine

Jamie is probably feeling just fine

And I'm still hurting

What about lies, Jamie?

What about things

That you swore to be true

What about you, Jamie

What about you

Jamie is sure something wonderful died

Jamie decides it's his right to decide

Jamie's got secrets he doesn't confide

And I'm still hurting

Go and hide and run away

Run away, run and find something better

Go and ride the sun away

Run away like it's simple

Like it's right...

Give me a day, Jamie

Bring back the lies

Hang them back on the wall

Maybe I'd see

How you could be

So certain that we

Had no chance at all

Jamie is over and where can I turn?

Covered with scars I did nothing to earn

Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn

But that wouldn't change the fact

That wouldn't speed the time

Once the foundation's cracked

And I'm...

Still Hurting"

-Still Hurting, Last Five Years

"I called Elise to help me pack my bags

I went downtown and closed the bank account

It's not about another shrink

It's not about another compromise

I'm not the only one who's hurting here

I don't know what the hell is left to do

You never saw how far the crack had opened

You never knew I had run out of rope and

I could never rescue you

All you ever wanted

But I could never rescue you

No matter how I tried

All I could do was love you hard

And let you go

No matter how I tried

All I could do was love you

God, I loved you so

So we could fight

Or we could wait

Or I could go..."

-Goodbye, Last Five Years

Last Five Years - It's a damn good play, it makes me feel better when I listen to it. I don't know what I would do if this music wasn't filling my ears right now. They date after John broke up with me, I listened to this soundtrack and I believe it was the only thing that got me through that day not breaking out into tears. Music is my release. I went to Kirk's house and pounded on the drums for about an hour today. Then I turned up Greenday really loud and drowned myself in their music. Tickets go on sale on Saturday - here's to hoping for front row tickets. My pizza is here.

Later.

2005-02-15T12:14:00.000-04:00

Everyday I learn something new. Everyday I learn some sort of lesson that has been staring me in the face for probably years or at least months, and all of a sudden it gets angry for me making it wait and it slaps me in the face...hard...

I will NOT let him have the best of both worlds. Not a chance in hell. If he wants to be with me, if he wants to make the effort to work our problems out, and if he wants a chance to recieve those nice little extras on the side, then he can BE WITH ME. If not, then he's shit out of luck. I will NOT do that to myself AGAIN. I will not put myself into a situation where I will be exposed to 300 times more hurt, just because I think this will make it work out in the end. I will make myself more bitter and more angry and more anti-man if I continue to live my life this way. I do not need a boy-toy to make me happy. He's right, totally right. I need to be happy within myelf before anyone could possibly love me. I know I've said it before - I have to fix my problems before I can do this, but everday, something happens to make that lesson slap me in the face, too.

I want to be in love, there's no denying that. Really, who doesn't want to be in love? It's a wonderful feeling. But I won't settle myself and make myself feel it, just for the sake of feeling it. I've stopped looking. I'm not looking for it anymore, because it will find me! I was my hands of my search, because you're never supposed to look anyway. It's supposed to fall in your lap, and that's what I'm waiting for - FALL IN MY LAP!

There's a show on that says high-voltage powerlines cause cancer. Everyone run for your lives.

I deserve better. I really do. And I realize that now.

Here's to a new life, once again. A new life. . . without him.

2005-02-14T13:48:00.000-04:00

So...yesterday was eventful.

I basically sat around the house, doing pointless tasts and keeping myself busy. I watched the second disk of Arrested Development and I'm still loving it, however I did not watch the new episode last night. Poo.

I fell asleep on my itty couch around 4:00 and woke up at 5:30. I was supposed to be at an SAA meeting at 5:30, but it was raining and I just didn't feel like going! So I went to the grocery store to buy some waffles and refreshments. Then I got home, talked to James about what he and Tab were doing for Valentine's Day a little bit, and then fell back asleep until 8:00 when Ben called and told me he was on his way. We had a good time! We watched Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again and talked, and then spontaneously decided to go see Hitch, which was a wonderful movie. I'd recommend seeing it. Then we came back and talked for a few hours and he left. Ben's a good friend - I'm so lucky to have him to talk to!! The stressful part of the evening was when we arrived back here after 12:00 to find a message on the machine from John. I spent 25 minutes pacing inbetween my living room and dining room, interpretating what he said, how he said it, the influexes in his words, and the pauses inbetween. Needless to say, we both said he sounded sad and tired. He called at 10:30, which means he was lying in bed thinking about something. I called him back, but since it was so late I only let it ring a few times. Then I woke up this morning at 8:00 to call him back, and he sounded fine, and we were cracking jokes and laughing . . . and then he asked if I wanted to get together tonight. WHAT?! YES, OF COURSE I DO! So now the Valentines Day conundrum is solved. Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. We still have things we need to talk about and get worked out. I'll let you know what happens tomorrow. He keeps calling me every 10 minutes to make sure I'm awake. ::small smile:: SHUT UP!

Happy Valentines Day to those who celebrate it without knowing what it means. I'm joining the club on this one, being a newfound single, and if I see another commerical celebrating Valentines Day, I'm going to take a lesson of Oedipus and gorge my eyes out with some rusty spoons.

Who is this "st. valentine" guy anyway? Catholics claim he was third century roman priest who conducted marriages in secret even though marriage was prohibited by emperor claudious ii. Others say he was beheaded for being a christian. Roman historians believe that the febuary holiday is to celebrate their god lupercalia after he drove the wolves away. The french believe that valentine was a monk who brought two massacred children back to life.

so let me see if i understand this. sometime around 1500 years ago there may have been a priest or monk or roman god that married soldiers, joined a cult, scared away dogs, or resurrected kids. what exactly does that have to do with naked angels firing arrows and stuffed animals holding flowers? and how did hallmark use this to decree that we spend at least one day a year feeling miserable and inadequate?

those sitting at home lonely and depressed on febuary 14th are the lucky ones. in a world that deems your self-worth to be based on a heterosexual relationship, preferably in marriage, single people have plenty of opportunities to feel like societal failures without having their situation pointed out, highlighted, and spelled out in neon letters. even the people that are happy being single are pressured into reevaluating their situation. but for the recently dumped, divorced, or widowed the weight of their pain doubles. sounds like a groovy reason to celebrate to me!

the only thing worse than being alone on valentine's day is being in a relationship. jewelry ads encourage you to go spend your grocery money on some gaudy ring or bracelet that will probably be forgotten in less than a year. the pressure to have the perfect date is overwelming, not to mention that all good restaurants and baby-sitters have been booked a month in advance. add on top of that the need to find the perfect present and it's no wonder that more couples fight on this "love day" than get lucky.

are teddy bears, roses, and candy really the only way to show someone that you care? do we even need a holiday to say the "i love you" words? face it, anyone who needs a calendar to force them to act romantic for one night doesn't deserve to be in a relationship. i say that roses on a tuesday night for no special occasion are a million times more sweet than the box of fattening chocolate in febuary. i, for one, would have rather intended to spend this evening watching tv and not stressing over anything other than what brand of macaroni and cheese to make for dinner. i have enough excuses to feel sorry for myself or fight with or get some from my significant other, i don't need some dead roman guy or a huge display at the grocery store helping me along.

And that's all I have to say about that.

V-Day

2005-02-13T22:30:00.000-04:00

Ok..so...now I'm really bummed because I just realized I have to get out of my apartment tomorrow night, but I don't have anywhere to go. I made those plans when I was expecting to go out to dinner with John...and now I'm depressed and crying. I'm thinking of calling him and seeing if we could talk r something. Ugh - and Sleepless in Seattle just came on. Ben's coming over in about 2 hours or something like that. Maybe that'll make things better. I don't want to be by myself.

. . .I'm really missing him. . .

La-da-dah

2005-02-13T18:13:00.000-04:00

So I attempted to watch the first season of Arrested Development last night to no avail. I did enjoy watch all the episodes on the first of four disks, but not really pay attention. The Great Distraction was here, so now I'm rewatching all the episodes. So glad I purchased this!

I still attempting to move this couch from St. Joseph to my apartment. I'm going to give my brother a call and see if he can borrow anyone's truck. I will not ask John for assistance...I will not ask John for assistance...I will not ask John for assistance. Well, just so we're clear about that. I also need to get that desk from Best Buy. Damn! Damn my small car!

I burnt my tongue on a chicken nugget. It hurts.

I went to sleep at 4:30 and woke up at 11:30. That's not fair! I miss being able to sleep until 3:00! Shit on my sleep schedual. I'm definetly taking advantage of a midafternoon nap.

No really...my tongue freakin' hurts.

Ben's coming over tonight, and perhaps Jay if he gets his shit done. I want to watch movies, each pizza, drink (if possible) and just freakin' let go for a night. 'Twill be a fun evening hopefully. I need to go grocery shopping. My fridge is getting pretty empty. I need to get the credit card from my brother, but my cell phone charger has mysteriously dissapeared, so I can't call him. I would just stop by, but it's Sunday, which normally means he'll be spending all day at church. Arg.

Awww...how horrible would it be to be in love with your cousin?! Poor George Micheal.

Just to clarify, things are getting better. I'm not a bitter, depressed ball of emotion, sitting at home alone in the dark, wallowing in self pitty and loathing, just awaiting for the next guy to come sweep me off my feet. However, I am still upset about it. I'm allowed a certain level of grieving period, and that time isn't up yet. While I'm anxious to jump back in and see what's out there, I realize I need to get over John before I can move on. It's especially hard when you were getting visions of what your life would be like if you picked this person to be The One, and knowing he was doing the same thing, but it still not working out. I absolutely have to stop having feelings for him, but as everybody knows, that's easier said than done. I know I can't dwell on these things, or do things to get him back, or anything of the sort. And knowing that, and acting on the things I know, I'm certain I'll be fine. I just need to give this time to heal, or else I'll end up exploding. In the past, I've jumped from relationship to relationship, breaking up with one guy for another. Actually, this is the first time I've been truely dumped in a year, and I've forgotten what it felt like.

I'm having urges to paint. I need to find some canvas. That's the mission of the day. That, and to buy food. I found my brother, he's at work. So I'll drive to Fulton and get the card, go shopping, go to Walmart to Home Depot or Lowes or something and find some pretty pictures. We'll see what happens. That's all for my useless ramblings. I'm going to clean up and rearrange and stuff. And I'm still looking for a truck. ::grumble grumble::

Later, Kiddos

2005-02-13T07:36:00.000-04:00

That was fun . . .
:)